still debating

I'm feeling better now; I guess I'm recovering from the depression I've had. Thank goodness I had enough faith not to commit suicide for the past 9 days have been so hard on me.

I haven’t made my decision about theatre yet; I got to debate more since whatever it is going to be, its gonna affect my life in every aspects and lead me to a way that there is no turning back. Well to be honest, all these hesitation and doubt started when I talked to Reverent Rahimian(believe it or not he has got insight, he already knows about your past , present or even your future before you open your mouth to speak). Well, he said although I love theater so much, it's not a place a girl like me should be in; a girl from a religious family, wearing full Islamic cover. He said just two years after I attend the university of Fine Art for theatre I will realize this fact and I will regret it so badly but since there will be no turning back I will have to go on and something will become of me that I never liked to be. As he was saying all these I couldn’t stop crying for I have set every thing for it and made every thing a step to reach theatre and now I was being told that I should prevent it to happen ever. I cried a lot that day; I mourn for a beloved I could never make love to. And then I cursed my life and my family situation, I stood in front of dad's picture and talked so bitterly to him.

The next day my cousin-in-law's husband(I talked about him in previous posts)had an accident and died. He was so close to us and I just couldn’t believe that he is suddenly and so easily gone. It taught me how ridiculous this life is. How people are coming and going in this world. It's like a hotel, of course not a good one; you pay a lot and get a little, less than what you deserve.

The two occurrences made me so bitter and depressed. Although I have recovered a bit, I still feel lost inside me. I have been thinking about theatre since I was4 and now every thing I've built is demolished and I am desperate. I'll keep thinking

God answers prayer in 3ways: he says YES and gives you what you want, he says WAIT and gives BETTER, he says NO and gives you THE BEST EVER

Help me out Lord, I need you more than ever, I wanna be in you path

Narcis

Jan 28^th

some one tell me what to do

Since he passed away I think of death and the day of Doom a lot. I'm scared of this world; I'm scared of its uncertainty, its unfaithfulness and its gold coated evil. I don’t know how my future is gonna be, and how and when I'm gonna die. I've been craving to be on stage but now I'm afraid and uncertain. I'm not sure…its not that I don’t wanna be there at all or that it's been only a fake dream… no not at all. If I ever wanted to be there I wanted to find me and experience different worlds of humanity. Right or wrong, I just wanted to express and to be seen when I express. I always knew me being in theatre is like man living on Mars. I knew there was no breathing air, I wanted to bring there oxygen. I wanted the whole world see me on stage with my hijab and I wanted to tell them that you can be there and yet be faithful to your beliefs. But now I'm not quite sure about that…I'm not sure of this world and its dirty tricks, or maybe I'm not sure of ME. I know I've been fighting with every one for it, with my family, with mom, hubby. I won finally, but now I'm not sure if I truly won. I know I've been thinking hard about it and I've consulted with many and I was very firm about what I wanted,  but now I'm not sure of any thing…I'm not sure what I really want. What if I go after it and I loose all I have. I'm not sure if a weak person like me can resist the gaudy world of fame and sin. I know I'm after none of them but what if I'll be impelled to moral corruption and when I turn back I see that all the bridges behind me are broken and I have no other way than going ahead. I know although the world of theatre, TV, and cinema looks so fabulous, it's so cruel and dangerous to weak and innocent souls. I do dote on theatre and I do wanna be there for the rest of my life but what if theatre is not really how it is in my mind, I mean what if my imagination of an ideal theatre does not truly exist outside and the only place I can find it in is my mind and no where else. I know and hear what type of people mostly can survive in this world and I don’t want to be one of them but at the same time I wanna be there. I don’t want to be caught by death when I'm surrounded with my sins. I'm afraid of this world and I don’t want to sacrifice the other world for this world of mortality. I want to be in the right path, "the path of those whom Thou hast blessed, not of those against whom Thou art wrathful, nor of those who are astray", I want to break the passions of my soul and restrain it in its recalcitrance but still I'm enjoying the warmth of my dreams and I want them to come true since they don’t seem so far to reach

Narcis

Jan 25^th

its so sad

Now that I'm writing this my eyes are full of tears and my heart is full of pain and I can't believe what happened. In this world, you can never be sure of one moment and suddenly a disaster comes and alters every plan you've made and throws away every dream you've had. I can't believe that he is gone; I can't believe it when I still hear his voice in my ears when he was joking and making us laugh. he used to bring laughter and joy to every party he was in and suddenly he is gone and you can only miss him and nothing more...he was my cousin-in-law's husband and my husband's closest and best friend. We attended each other's weddings and we used to have our own small parties and suddenly an accident happened and changed every thing for good. He left all his friends, his wife and his 5-months old son Morteza. Yes, it just happened yesterday, around 10in the morning, his car crashed into another car which was turning to the line he was driving in. he is gone...his wife is shocked, she does not cry at all, when I saw her today she was sitting in a corner and seemed to be thinking. I think it's just too much for her to believe. Maybe she was wishing he hadn't been driving fast or the other car hadn't turned to the line. My God, what a world we are living in, we congratulated her for her sister's wedding on Thursday, who knew we were gonna say condolences for her husband's death. This world is worth nothing when one day you dance and celebrate your happiness and the other day you weep for your sorrow. What burns me more is that his son, like me, is gonna crave for his dad's hands to hold and he is gonna say if only....I'd better go, I'm not feeling alright

Narcis

 Jan22

still in mess

I frittered away the whole day listening to music and watching TV yesterday. Didn’t feel like cleaning the house, its still in mess. Oh its hubby’s cousin’s wedding party tonight and tomorrow. I don’t know what to wear…gotta clean up today or I will not be able even to find my lipstick in this mess… no lipstick no wedding! Oh I’m trying to put some pics in here but its not working. Sometimes I feel like my web log is sooo boring comparing to others since they’ve got music and lots of pictures. Oh I would put “Because You Loved Me” song if I knew how to do it. I would put lots of lovely pictures if just knew how to do it

Narcis

Jan 18^th

im back

 

Well well well…Narcis is back. She is done with her exams FINALLY. Here is what happened in the past 4 days

Saturdayè I worked on my project till 10 am, then slept for 6 hours, again I started working on it when I was up. I didn’t have time to crack the book at all, besides my mind was so tired that I just couldn’t look at any book. Therefore, I went to bed early at night so I could wake up early in the morning to study the book

Sundayè  I woke up at 5 o’clock. I had a hard time working on my project the day before, but it was the time to study a bit for my exam. I knew this professor wouldn’t go through details in the book; he mostly gives general questions or wants our own idea about a special theory or some thing. Therefore, I only had a look on all the materials just to remember what they were about. Some thing funny happened at university. Well, the exam was at 8 o’clock and this professor is just so punctual and strict about time. It was the exam time, everyone sat on their chairs and waiting for him to bring the papers, …5 mins passed, other teachers gave the papers to their students and “our teacher is just gonna come now, he is just5 mins late” we said to ourselves…10 mins passed and we waited…15 mins passed and we all got worried “I hope he never comes today” some said to themselves. 20 mins passed and it was like he wasn’t gonna come at all. All the students of other majors were busy answering the questions but me and my classmates were looking at each other and wondering what happened to our teacher. Then suddenly all the students of English literature were asked to leave their chairs………..lol don’t worry he didn’t have any accident, he didn’t oversleep either…he forgot it? Nope, not at all…lol well, I don’t know how come on earth but he just thought the exam was at3 o’clock in the afternoon…hahaha…we were quite excited about it but it didn’t last long for we were soon informed that the exam would be given at 10. Any way he finally came, I can say he was so embarrassed, and was saying “so sorry about that, so sorry about that” in every second; (“you are not forgiven mister. Do you remember who used to say this ‘pls be on time, being punctual just means that you respect your class and yourself’” some said in their heart with ecstasy). By the way the exam was not bad

Mondayè I can tell you how I spent this day, there is just a lot to tell you about this Monday. Suffice it to say that I read 300 pages of the novel in 24 hours!!!! I can’t tell you when I slept and what I ate, I was just reading and reading and I finished it.

Tuesdayè  the exam was good. But my eyes were burning whole day and I had a terrible headache.

There was a get-together in my aunts house (from mom`s side). I was so wrecked but I missed my aunts and my cousins. It was good seeing them, almost made me forget what I got through in the past 3 weeks. But it’s all over

Wednesdayè today I’ll be just cleaning the house. Its so drowned in mess

Narcis

Jan 17^th

lucky to have u

7:25 pm JAN, 12

Oh I’m going nuts. This is beyond what I can handle. Things with studies are not going well at all. Haven’t done the term-project for teaching methodology and haven’t studied it’s either. Ooh just the thought of300 unread pages of the novel make me crazy. Its7:25 pm and I have to finish the research tonight so I can at least study for the exam tomorrow. But it’s funny that I haven’t found a good topic yet. I choose some topics then I find out it’s a not a good one, so I just jump to another one. First I thought “learner styles” is ok to work on. But then I changed my mind since it was a quite recent issue in teaching methodology and there weren’t enough sources for that. So I picked “creativity in teaching”, I found a book, I copied some pages of it, did some searches in google but it didn’t seem to be a good topic to work on. Well actually the problem was that I didn’t like it much. I’ve found some articles about “psychology for language teachers”, I read all of them but they really have nothing to say. God pleaaaaaaaaaase help me out, its just too much for me, please don’t punish me for my laziness these days, please not tonight,  please not now, I need your help so I can work it out. Please I’m begging you. Help me fine some thing good. I have no time to write a full article about the subject. I just wish to find some thing which I can mostly copy-past it. There is no other way. Ok let me see if I can find anything worth copy-pasting about “psycholinguistic”. There must be something about it.

ONE HOUR LATER

Thank god I guess I found some good articles. i have an idea…the title can be still “psychology for language teachers” and I  use “psycholinguistic” as one of the sub titles. Then I guess I have to search a bit more. Ok, I’ll be back I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me but I have to make a good paper out of them

 THREE HOURS LATER

Ok, I guess I have enough materials to make a good copy-paste research paper… well I’m very good at it, hehehe. Oh you might have thought I’ve been searching google ever corner in these 3 hours. Well, nope, it just took an half an hour, I’ve been watching a movie on TV…that was my favorite, couldn’t miss it

8AM, JAN, 13

Its 8 in morning and I have been up all night. I’m dead tired. My eyes are burning for I have stared at my computer for hours reading and copy-pasting or typing. I think I’ve done a good job. Well it’s not finished yet. I guess it takes another one hour to get it done. Well, I don’t wanna brag but you know I’m a goddess in copy-pasting…lol. If you’ve got any problem in copy-pasting, I’m there to answer you, hehehe. Ok id better go back to my paper. After that ill sleep whole day and will wake up in the evening and then I guess I will study for the exam. Oh oh before I forget I owe a big thanks to someone: My Lord, THANK YOU for every thing. You are MY Lord right? You are mine. You are the one who is always there for me and the one who I can always trust. Love you more than anything forever

happy narcis

lots of things to say

Its 4:7 am and he is sitting on the porch, putting on his boots to go. I can hear him singing an old song. Now I can hear his footsteps from the yard….soon enough he will be gone. Oh I can predict how he is gonna spend his day. He would serve in the army in a garrison170 km far from here, from 7 am up to 1 pm. Then he would return…it takes him 3 hours to reach our city. And he’d go straight to his own workshop for he has to make the orders ready for the end of the month. Then around 8 o’clock, he would come home tired but would try to look all vibrant and fresh to me. Well, he can’t be up much because he has to wake up at 3:30 am to go

Well , these things don’t often seem problems to me. I mostly take them as God’s tests or ups and downs of life which every one has got. I know I can bear up with the situation with His help. But sometimes, like now, I get tired, I get fed up of everything, and then I feel like I wanna shout and say” I don’t want him to go. I can’t bear it when he doesn’t get much sleep at nights. I don’t want to see him working so hard for our life. I hate it when he still has to fritter away another14 months of his life while he can work on his molds and design more of them.” God I do wanna shout all these…but what use? Nothing would change a bit. Every morning at 3.30 I would still open my eyes with the signal of his mobile alarm and see him getting ready. I would still see his sleepy face and wish he hadn’t had to go. I would still hear his footsteps and I would…. I see all these and yet I have to keep my frustrations in my heart and never dare to release them for I want him to think that I’m all happy. I don’t know maybe I am really happy. Maybe it’s just the exams pressure on me. Maybe it’s just a little frustration which will go away soon. Or maybe its just because we don’t have much time for each other, maybe its just because its been so long that I want to go out with him like shopping or to cinema but he just doesn’t have time to scratch his head. I really don’t know. I just know I don’t want him to go  

Anyway….oh by the way I have some bad news

The Literary criticism examè was taken on Sunday. Although I studied enough, I really****ed up. I know there is a high possibility of failing this course. Well it happens when your teacher has a high tendency to raise questions out of the examples of the book, some thing which you never memorize word by word. Oh I’m cranky enough about that

The research paperè it was finally finished and

delivered to the teacher. Anyway, it took hell of our time

The literary schoolsè it was not bad. But I could have done better when I studied it twice… I think I’m getting stupid these days. My brain is not working the way it used to. My memory is failing I guess

coming examsè the teaching methodology is on Sunday. There is also a project for that which I haven’t started yet. And the novel is on Tuesday… so embarrassing that I have read 167 pages out of 502. Have I bored you

Really really cranky narcis

Jan 10 

ooh im busy

My goodness I can’t believe I’m actually writing in weblog…God I missed it. I missed writing and reading my thoughts and feelings. I missed reading the comments and answering them. Any way there are lots of things I wanna say but it’s supposed to be a short quick message since I don’t have much time to be here. The literary criticism exam is tomorrow at 8 o’clock in the morning, and I’m going to my friends’ place…there is a meeting of some knowledgeable newborn critics for further evaluations on some good-for-nothing stuff which they have failed to understand by themselves …hahaha. oh about my sudden 5 day disappearance, I should say I’ve been in the seventh circle of hell which means too busy with my studies, that why I have boycotted internet and almost the computer…. Ok id better go now, its getting late and I have to attend that meeting. But ill be back on Thursday (when the literary criticism and the literary schools exams are taken, and the project is EVENTUALLY given to the teacher) with lots of sayings to be said and with more chances to get online. Wish me luck

Anxious and busy narcis

good or bad it is the last night of 2006

I really don’t know what to say, I am very tired tonight so I feel a little bit speechless. The brain is not working

Bad newsè 1.I have frittered away the whole day day, didn’t open a book 2. I haven’t slept well for 2 days and I’m dead tired like a dead snake 3. I have a stomachache 4. I have a good mind to break the dirty dishes in the sink for no good reason

Good newsè1. Happy eid-e-Ghorban( the holy feast of Ghorban) 2. And happy New Year “2007”

3. There are still 6 days left to my final exams 4. Finally I got to know how to put pictures here in my weblog...well special thanks to “marde khakestary”

5. And oh this is on top of all… Mr.Tabari, my favorite English teacher has finally visited my weblog. Oh here is his comment in my mail

hi. I congratulate you on your new gmail. Hope you'll enjoy it. About
your weblog I should say that was so natural and cool. But
remember: DON'T USE FOUR LETTER WORDS; it takes away from its beauty. I
wish you success.

Yup Mr.Tabari, I promise I won’t use bad words from now on. Well I’m a little bit embarrassed about that though. Oh oh he also sent me a picture of a black rose…I loved it. My best favorite teacher, thanx for having taken the trouble of reading my weblog and for all you have taught me till now.  

Look how much I wrote…did I say I felt speechless??! I don’t remember lol

A question for friends: if  your were the Santa claus, what would you put in my stockings

Your replies would really amaze me. I’m sure of it

Narcis

The last night of 2006

read this Saddam`s dear daughter

I’m angry. God I don’t wanna hear all these nonsense on the news. I really don’t want. Is the world really that stupid? Where is people’s brain to get used? Just read this stupid bunch of goddamned mumbo jumbo and you will know what im talking about

“Al-Nueimi said U.S. authorities were maintaining physical custody of Saddam to prevent him from being humiliated before his execution. He said the Americans also want to prevent the mutilation of his corpse, as has happened to other deposed Iraqi leaders.

"The Americans want him to be hanged respectfully," al-Nueimi said. If Saddam is humiliated publicly or his corpse ill-treated "that could cause an uprising and the Americans would be blamed," he said

Did you get it?? This godless tyrant will be hanged respectfully. Now what the hell does respect have any thing to do with goddamned Saddam huh? Did he ever care about people that we should care about his never-had honor? Did he care who and how would be tortured when he was imposing the war on us?  Has this American government ever asked itself how OUR people were murdered when he was fulfilling his ambition in our boundary? Now they tell me he will be sent to hell respectfully and they won’t allow any creatures to touch his stinky corpse? Have they ever asked themselves how our young people’s dead bodies were treated by his cruel soldiers?  And they, by all these, wanna respect this thirsty of blood tyrant because otherwise they would be blamed for that? Oh I blame the American government for respecting him. I blame them for considering the murderer of my father and of many daughters as a human being. And oh read this one too

"His daughter in Amman was crying, she said 'Take me with you,'" al-Nueimi said late Friday

And now I, a 21 year old girl from Iran, ask you the dear daughter of Saddam if it has ever crossed your mind how I felt when your goddamned lovely dad was being the cause of my dad’s death when I was only 18 months and when my mom was still expecting my brother?! Oh why the cause?, he was the murderer himself! He was the one who thought he could capture Iran and said to himself “ok, let me give it a try, if not successful nothing important would actually happen, only millions of Iranians people would get killed and nothing more!” Yes, whats-your-name dear daughter of my dad’s murderer, I just want you to know that your crocodile tears and your dad’s artistic picture on yahoo news do nothing but make me puke

Narcis

Dec 30th

thursday night

Good Friday morning. I really wanted to send this last night but before I could hit the send bottom my daily account was over

Oh my lord my sins are like the highest mountain and my good deeds are very few. So I turn to you, while my heart is full of shame and my eyes are full of tear. And I beg you to  bestow your forgiveness and mercy upon me. And oh Allah, send your peace and blessings on the final prophet and his family and companions and those who follow him

Since I’ve started writing in my web log, everyday I’ve done my posting early in the morning. But today, It was like the whole world wanted me to write it at night. I’m not sure why but maybe it was meant to be. Maybe Lord wanted me to write It in the night, a Thursday night, so that I can talk about him, al-mahdi al-hujjah. If it is really so, then I think I’m really honored to talk about him, to think of him and to feel his presence with me. They say whenever you think of him it’s actually the moment he thinks of you, looks at you and considers you. Wow even the thought of him looking at me stops my heart for I know I don’t deserve it. It gives me peace and kinda relief which I just can’t get from any thingelse…its soooooo godly. Then let’s pray to Lord for hastening the Relief, the Reappearance of ultimate saviour of mankind, amen

Oh it was a longgg tiresome day with our project. But at least maryam and I have done almost half of our job and that’s a relief. Now I can concentrate more on the novel. By the way, I’ve studied 3 chapters of 5 chapters of literary criticism in the past two days. But the novel is still my greatest worry since it is in 500 pages and it’s embarrassing that I haven’t read more than 10 pages. Any way thank god it has got a simple language and it’s not a classic one otherwise there would be no ray of hope for me to finish it. God, 4 days ago I was a depressed hapless one who didn’t know how manage all those stuff. But now, only 4 days later, I don’t know why but every thing seems so easy to be done. Almost half of the project is done, only 2 chapters of literary criticism are left, and now I have enough time for novel and I have 4 days before the teaching methodology exam during which I can do its term-project. You see narcis how easy things can be done by the help of your kindest Lord. Oh Lord, I really have to thank you for that. Without you, a small difficulty seems to be a terrible storm and it’s terrifying even when it’s far in the horizon. But with you, it’s just a cold breath while I’m sleeping in a hot summer day. Love you Lord

                Narcis with a heart full of His love

                 Dec 28

im alright but still busyاین ماله دیروزه ویرایش کردم اومد اینجا

for english friends...i wrote it yesterday but since i edited today the system didnt get it and put right here

Its 6:30 am and I woke up 15 mins ago. I opened my eyes and I realized it’s been 2 days that I haven’t actually seen his face. Its been 2 days that I have been sleeping when he came home and when he went... and when I was awake he was already gone.. I haven’t made tea for him for two days and I missed it. Oh every thing is alright between us… we have no problem of that sort most couples have. Every thing is in peace and love. But the problem is that we hardly have time for eachothere. I know it’s just a passing phase like the others we’ve had and good or bad it will go away one day. Oh I hope it goes as fast as possible

By the way the exam was good. I answered 5 of 6 questions. I knew I would do well. Well it’s been always like this, all my life. I don’t study much during the term, then suddenly I hit the books just before exams and oh I don’t forget to ask god for a miracle and he does give that to me. I love you lord for you’ve been such a good and kind lord to me. I know I’m a lazy person and you don’t like lazy people but it’s just me and I can’t change the way I am

And today….I have lots of things to do. First I need to clean the mess in the house since it can’t be more. I really need to wash all those dirty dishes in the kitchen. And well maryam is coming to my place today in the afternoon. We are going to start our term project for our research paper course. Pls don’t laugh at me. I know it was supposed to be done during the term but there is still a ray of hope that we finish it on time. I know lord is gonna really help me in these two weeks I know he is not leaving me alone by all these stuff to do. Love u lord

                      Hopeful narcis

                                                                                              Dec 26

is pizza good or badاین واسه امروزه چهارشنبه

Another morning was given to me and I have to value it

Oh some news about yesterday: I did clean the house…wow it feels so good when the house is clean. Can u believe it took me 4 hours to clean it up…lol now you can imagine the mess. It was terrible...poor hubby saw it all and never mentioned anything… you know that I do my best to have every thing in their best place for you but it just doesn’t work some times…love u for your patience baby  

Oh last night I really wanted to eat a pizza. I begged him to buy me one in his way back home…why beg? Oh he doesn’t like me to eat fast food, he says they are not real and healthy food, but what can I do? I just love to eat them…and finally he ha one when he was home…but guess what?…holy crap I found a hair in the pizzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...now  you pizza maker…yes I’m talking to you , the one who made my pizza …tell me from now on how I can get him to buy me a pizza hu? Now If I kill myself and tear myself apart in front of him, he will remind me of the hair in the pizza….dang it…forget about him, now how I can eat pizza pretending I never found such a thing in it… again dang it. Why don’t you just watch it when you are making something people are gonna eat hu? Sorry I thought you were responsible for some thing, forget it

Forgetting about pizza, Maryam couldn’t make it yesterday which means we haven’t started our project…we will on Thursday…today ill be getting some articles through internet for the project and I have the mood for literary criticism

Its just narcis

Dec 27

really need to go

i have an exam tomorrow..a midterm exam in literary criticism

but i dont feel like leaving the computer and studing lol

there is a good friend of me online..his name is kevin

he is talking about the girl he loved who is dead now..im sorry about that kevin

shit its 12 pm and iv been on this for almost 6 hours..my back is aching lol

this is my first

This is narcis(narges in Persian ) and it is the first page of my web log…well I’m so excited for this is what I’ve always wanted to have

Well, this is the last week of this term, my seventh term at Mazandaran University and I haven’t cracked a book for final exams. Who is gonna read 500 pages of the novel Grapes of wrath, forget about almost 200 uncracked pages of literary criticism and oh literary schools and teaching methodology are not yet studied . God I wish I wasn’t that lazybum. I should have studied atleast one of my books during the term so that I wouldn’t be in trouble now. Now it’s me and lots of stuff to read in less than two weeks. IV been always like this .i never learn. I know I’m gonna drop at least one of the courses. Well I cant let that happen or I have to postpone theatre to the next 3 years, Never

desperete narcis

24th of dec,sun,10 am