There's no morning without mourning

I got lonely more than ever. I got divorced. My marriage is over and I am alone. So, here it is… me and my simple life, me and my loneliness again. But this time it’s quite different. I maybe alone but I don’t feel lonely. As a matter of fact, I am happy and proud. I feel so innocent; like a little child. I have done the hardest right thing in my life. I let myself free, free of all the pains and all the hurts and all the sins. And my biggest sin was pretention; pretending that we were the happiest couple ever while deep down I was getting hurt to death. Pretention was all I had done all these years and suffering was all I got and severe loneliness was my only portion of a happy marriage! People may look down on us. They think we made a huge mistake by splitting up the family but deep down my heart I know we did the rightest thing ever

Now, facing the reality, I’m not a mermaid waiting for a lover any more. I’m just a small crab hiding in my nutshell. I’m just a small crab being concealed in my cave and I don’t want to come out for a long time. I have my fears wall up my heart. I won’t let anyone else hurt me again. I’m scared. I’m scared of being let down again. I’m scared of getting hurt again. Because when it hurts, it hurts to soul; it's as if all the flowers have perished into grey dust, as if my heart has been picked apart by a toothpick, as if the tears I cry are no longer water, nor blood but drops of hope and soul. This is why I’m scared

My dearest Lord, I know that you are with me. I know that you are happy with my brave decision. That’s why you love me so much. That’s why you show me your love in every second of my new life

I don’t have a knight in shining armor to protect me but I have you. I don’t have a lover to talk to and to laugh with. I don’t have anyone to cheer me up and to give me hope for future but I have you. You send me good friends when I’m lonely. You give me comfort when I’m in tension. You make people cheer me up when I’m down. You make me visit good people when I’m scared to trust. And I feel it all. I feel it all. I feel all the blessings being bestowed upon me right from you. I can breathe your presence. And when you are there, all the fears run away

Come down and sit beside me. Comb my hair with your wind. Kiss my pains away. Dry my tears and calm my fears. And be the strong pillar of strength for me. You are the ocean, I am the wave

Take my hand. Take me to the sea where I have been before; once with Death and once with Love. And now I want to walk with you on the beach. Take me home when the moon sparkles in waters. And they say it’s the best night for a moon maiden. Take my hand and let me walk in your presence. Take my hand and let me feel the happiness of having you in my life. Take my hand and let me be a storm of tears being shed upon my unhappy days of not feeling and having you so close. Take my hand and let me wrap my heart around you; I know you never get tired of my love. I know you will never hurt me as they did. Take my hand and let me feel safe with you

Narcis