two days before New Year

It's been nine days that I haven't written a single word in my web log. I haven’t been idle though; I have been busy (and I mean really busy) with spring cleaning. My goodness the past nine days have been the busiest days of my life. I swear Id never worked so hard nor felt so responsible to the housework much that I did in the past nine days. I would wake up early like five or six in the morning and would wash, scrub, clean and dust, and it would continue till night around eight or nine that I would faint dead! Phew hard job girl! Well, it's not all done though. I still have to disinfect and clean the bathroom and toilet and oh the yard really needs to be scrubbed. Well, I could have done them in the past two days but I've been busy with filigree working on this wedding dress of my cousin in-law, whose wedding is due Friday. I guess the dress will be done tomorrow. So, I can do the rest of my cleaning on Tuesday. This cousin in-law has come to my house the past two days and helped me working on her dress. See what I told her today:

Me: you're free on Tuesday?

Her: yeah, why?

Me: great. Then you are coming here on Tuesday to help me finish my cleaning! We will clean the bathroom and toilet and scrub the yard and will have fun!

Her: hmm…well…you know, I've just remembered I have a backache!

Me: doesn’t matter, you are still coming! You know that I'm doing you a huge favor here and if you….

Her: okkkk, I was just kidding. You know that I will help you.

Me: I know you will, you have no other way.

Her:

Me:

So everything is going fine, except things between me and hubby. Finally, his unbelievable laziness in cleaning has done its job pretty well that we have not been on speaking terms since Friday. It's not that we don’t talk at all. We do talk on some occasion but very coldly. I believe it was all his fault for he broke my heart when I asked him to help me washing the yard on Friday evening (it was very cold) and he just said he didn’t like doing it and left me so cruelly. So I talked to him so angrily (or some how rudely) and he said I'd be punished well if he does not talk to me for a week and I answered I would be happy if I don’t see him for a week so him not talking to me is no punishment but a great relief to me and its was how it happened. I don’t feel guilty about it at all because I haven’t done any thing bad. On the contrary, I think he has to apologize for his entire cruelty originating from his laziness. Well, maybe I got a bit furious and talked harshly to him but if he had helped me, none of this would happen. So I conclude that what I did served him right!

It's 1 am and my eyes are half closed. I have to wake up early in the morning. So nighty-night

Feeling good,

Narcis

March 19^th

in a pell-mell

YOU GET TOO BUSY WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONLY BUSY!

Well, I have to thoroughly clean my entire house in two weeks before the New Year comes. I have started spring cleaning the kitchen three days ago. And after three days going up and down in the kitchen, I have done only 50 percent of the job. I have only washed the walls, the floor and the curtains of the kitchen, and have cleaned the inside of refrigerator and oven and nothing more. I should bring out all the dishes from the cabinets and cupboards and then dust or, if necessary, wash them.  So I have not done one third of the job yet, while I'm sure other housewives are resting from the laborious work of spring cleaning or at least have done 90 percent of it. My goodness how hard this spring cleaning is. The house has to get cleaned from top to bottom, and as they say you shouldn’t consider it done until it's "DONE RIGHT". You have to clean and dust every little hole: dust from the ceiling fans, light fixtures, wall hangings to the chairs and tables, cupboards, or even the knick knacks. Then clean and disinfects from kitchen, bathroom, toilet, sinks and tub to mirrors and windows or even the garbage can and a thousand little work which will take a month for me to do. But any way I feel really responsible to do all of them; I don’t want to start the New Year with a house full of dust!

                                       

 Since I have been busy with the kitchen, other parts of the house seem to get uncontrollably higgledy-piggledy. Of course, it's no surprise when hubby is so much ready to make the best use of any possible indisposition in the house to make it worse by freely dropping his clothes over the floor or make a row of dirty dishes. So, right now the whole house is so messed up that I feel I'm incapable of cleaning it up at all: Curtains are all dropped in a corner (to be washed) in the hall, lots of washed and clean clothes have been on the bed for 2 days, ready to get tucked, but I don't even have time for that, and as I've said above, the kitchen is almost upside down and I'm confused which one to do first.

The job feels even harder and more tiresome when you know you have to do it all by your self and when you have a hubby like mine. I swear hubby is the laziest person in the world in doing the house chores. In fact, he almost hates to do whatever is related to the house work so it's really hard to get him help me. I would talk to him in different dear honey languages but he wouldn't move an inch till I raise my voice and start shouting and screaming:

-Me: honey, could you come here a second? I need your help.

-Him: what is it?

-Me: come here you will know (I wouldn’t tell him for I know he would never ever come if he knows why I'm calling him)

-Him: …………

-Me: I thought I asked you some thing!

-Him: ah I'm tired. How can you ask me to work in the house, too? You know what I get through in th…e wh..o..le d..a..y……(drowning in the TV with his eyes or some times his mouth wide open)

-Me: ……(waiting)

-Him: ……(watching TV, seems he has forgotten all about it)

- Me: God!! You are infuriating! For God's sake forget about that god-damned TV for a second and actually be helpful!!(Really shouting)

I guess this spring cleaning will take the whole two weeks before the New Year comes. Uh, some times I think our house is too big and it's chores too much for me to handle. Wish we had a smaller one!

Mom also has asked me to do a research paper for her (5 days ago)and interestingly the deadline is tomorrow and more interestingly I have done only one fourth of it and I don’t know what I'm gonna tell her if I have to leave her empty-handed. I can put aside the spring cleaning for a day, that’s all right with me, though bearing the mess is a bit difficult. And I'm sure mom is ready to help me cleaning the whole house if just ask her to, as she has helped me a lot in cleaning the kitchen. But the problem is that I guess I have an exam tomorrow, too, while I don't even have the book!! So today I have to photocopy my friend's book so that I know what I'm gonna answer in the paper. Well, I just hope I'm wrong and there is no exam.

And in this pell-mell, as I promised hubby's cousin to help her in filigree working on her wedding dress, I have this occupation too. The wedding is another two weeks so we have to work hard on it to have it ready at least three days before the wedding.

Any way, although  every thing is mixed up and I'm wondering which work to do first, I feel so good being busy with all these undone job and forgetting about my misery for awhile . I just hope for a day that this restless soul could finally feel free of this pain. Amen!

Narcis

March 10^th

killing me softly

This is a new chapter of my madness. Narcis is so willing to be a crazy Narcis as she always was. Being good doesn’t match her. Here is the news: she is GOING TO BE IN THEATRE.

Oh I don’t care about right or wrong anymore. I swear I'm ready to sacrifice every thing I have to get what I want. I will throw away this chador if it's going to be the sacred barrier against my dreams. I'll break dad's picture and I won't care a bit if I'm doing wrong…I'm chocking with tears. What is becoming of me? Narcis is mad. Narcis is crazy. She doesn’t understand what she is saying and doing. She is just angry and wants to get what she wants. Is it too much to ask for what you need????? She is tired. She is sad that nothing satisfies her. She is sad that she is never even gonna have a ****. She wants to full this empty spot with her dreams, and her tears prove it… One by one, one by one, they roll down her face but her fingers are too tired to wipe them away … I just can't pretend any more. I can't…

Out of every thing,

Narcis

March 7^th

sour grapes

What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do to feel better? Why can't I just get over myself and make a decision? I feel so lost inside and I don’t know what to do for my future. What am I going to be? I'm stuck between right and wrong. I don’t know which the right path is and which the wrong one is. Isn't it funny I have been given so many talents but yet I 'm doubtful which one to use? Isn't it funnier that I have been told some of my talents have not been given to me by God, but by Satan??!! Isn't funny that to me it's just the forbidden fruit which I can't eat? And isn't it funnier that would be a big lie if I ever say I don’t like the fruit? Do I really have to thank all the NICE people who proved me wrong that using my talents is a definite mistake? Or do I do the right thing if I think this is Satan's temptation if I take them as talents any way???

Ah million and million of people in this world make big decisions every day and they never bother themselves too much about all these. So why do I have to kill my spirit grieving over this?! God, why me???? Why me? They say you've got plan for every one; what is your plan for me?

I still don’t believe (or don't want to believe) that it's not my cup of tea. But the thing that FORCES me to think that I believe it is the fear I have; the fear of having a bad future, the fear of His anger. But I call my self a coward for I can't take a risk for the thing I've loved all my life.

 Oh God how my heart twinges and how my head is heavy with all these never-ending thoughts and doubts. I'm in a life of absurdity and I don’t like it. I swear I hate it.

You know, some times I think of the day of Doom, and I say If I ever die and God would want to send me to hell, I would shout at him and tell him "right or wrong, meaningful or meaningless,  I quitted what I loved all my life just for your satisfaction and for your fear. Now if you send me to that fire, I tell you I doubt in your justice!!!!!!" Is it right if think of shouting at Him for my desires???

God you are the only one so close to me. You are the only one who hears me crying, who feels me trembling, and who wipe my tears away with the thought of his mercy. I'm tired, I'm done because I don’t see any future for me and that's unbearable. Narcis without hope and joy for life is nobody, is nothing, is just an alive dead. So do help me to the right direction. Give me what I want in your own way, please please please. You know I thank you for what you have given and what have not or never may give (you know too well what I'm talking about) so do have mercy upon me in this matter. Please I know it's nothing for you to guarantee the small thing I want from you. I want to enjoy this life before I die. I want to enjoy it the way I myself do, not the way others want me to, that's not fair. If you think ******* is not good for me, show me another way, open another door, bring another candle to fire. But don’t ask me to stay in the dark when all doors are locked and when my path leads no where. Don’t tell me there is no key for I know your mercy is the key to all locked doors. Don’t tell me that there is no candle for I know you yourself are the light to every thing. Don’t tell me there is no way out for I know you are the way yourself. Give joy back to me, show me a way, and tell me what to do. I don’t want other's advice, I want yours. I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to tell me there is future for me; that there is light, joy, and satisfaction. Show me a ray of hope before I go insane and do what I (or Satan, not sure) do what you may not like.

Two inches before absurdity,

Narcis

March 5^th

on love

  This is some part of the novel "The Prophet" by KHalil Gibram. Here is the main character's speach, Almustafa, on Love, hope you enjoy it:

  Then said Almitra, speak to us of Love.

     And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

     When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.       

     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

      Though the sword hidden among his opinions may wound you.

     And when he speaks to you believe in him,

     Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

     For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.      Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

     Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun.

     So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

     He threshes you to make you naked.

     He sifts you to free you from your husks. 

     He grinds you to whiteness.

     He kneads you until you are pliant;

     And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

     All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

     But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

     Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

     Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

     Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

     Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

     For love is sufficient unto love.

     When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

     And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.     

     But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

     To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

     To know the pain of too much tenderness.

     To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

     To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

     To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

     To return home at eventide with gratitude;

     And then to sleep with prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Narcis

March 3^rd   

the diary of the week 2

Then hubby and I went to "Jamkaran" and performed our sunset prayers in the holy mosque. 

The dinner was set in a cousin-in-law's house. As my brother in-laws were invited too, again, we had the comedy scene of the younger's boast about his plans for marriage and the elder's frown as a sign of disapproval over what he was saying and our burst of laugh. It was funny that he had a kind of imaginary wife sitting next to him who he would talk to or even would offer foods to!!! The poor boy is going insane, it seems. Though if you look at it psychologically, you may have the idea that it's mostly to get attention from his loved-ones (for he doesn’t have any one, as a LOVER, to shower him with affection, attention and love). Of course this is just my idea and may not be true. Any way, as hubby's dad strongly believes, we have got to let him be free when he is among the family, so he wouldn’t talk about marriage with strangers and that’s to prevent the possible coming unwelcome(to the family)advices! If he knows we welcome him with open arms when he is talking about whatever he wants, he wouldn’t be willing to choose strangers as his prior and best friends to talk with about private and important matters. Good policy hu?

The next morning was the time we had left our lovely hosts to our next destination "Tehran". Hubby needed to buy some stuff(I don’t know what they were, some machine tools maybe) which would take like 3 or 4 hours to get and that'd mean I had to walk after him every where he went  which was impossible for me to do in a crowded and polluted city as Tehran is. Therefore, I decided to spend some hours in the tomb of "Imam Khomeini" on my own and then to take the subway to see hubby in some other spots. Well, that was an experience!

I had some shopping in Tehran, too. I bought these three books: "The Prophet" by Gibram Khalil, "Second Life" a true story by Stephani Cook and a definite happy ending love story for leisure times "In the Market" by Day Leclair.  The first is going to be the subject of my term project in my "an approach to Islamic texts" course. The second was chosen because it is written in a form of diary and I thought might help me in writing my diaries. And I picked up the last one for its American daily-use slang and expressions.

That night, we were guests to a friend of hubby(from Mashad University). He was single, and outwardly and inwardly really good. The first thing I noticed about him was his being too neat as a single man! Believe me if I wasn’t sure he was single, I would swear he had a wife to do the house chores. You see hubby is a very good-natured man, no doubt about it, but it freaks me out when I always have to run after him to get what he drops on the floor! And this is the case with most men. You may say that there are many neat men in the world. Well, sure there are, I don’t deny it, but this friend was a real exception for I've never seen any Single man who could decorate his house with such a good taste and most importantly  who could keep it very clean though he had to work from 7 am to 9 or 10 pm! Any single girls ready to get married? Lol lol…

Our next destination was "Qazvin" (where we stayed a day) to another friend's house; they were roommates (the other was my cousin-in-law's late husband) when they used to study in Yazd University. Well, this one was single, too. But since his parent's house was far from the center of the city he took us to his brother's house. I never thought I would be so comfortable in some one's house that I saw for the first time. The host and the hostess were both kind-hearted and good-natured. They had two children: the 10-year-old daughter Kimia and the cute 3 or 4-year-old son Amir Hossein. He was too cute not to bite! I wish I could.

In our way back home on Tuesday, a tragic event spoiled all our happiness. We hadn't passed the snowy mountains that we got stuck in a traffic which was due to an accident which happened some minutes before we came by. As our car could move on a bit, we could see a camion and near it there laid an unconscious young man on the ground, his face all covered with blood, and in the other side a "Pride"(the victim's car) all demolished in the driver side which all informed us of the terrible accident which had just occurred. We were told that it was the Pride's driver's fault for he was driving too fast. Alas that man never learns! The victim was still alive and the people were asking each car if they could take him to the nearest hospital, but it seemed not one had time for it! There came our turn and a man asked us: "would you please take him to the hospital?"

-hubby: "I'm afraid not, we have a long way to go, we can't..."

-"no please, we can take him!" I begged him as I had tears in eyes after witnessing such a terrible sight. I knew he could have been a husband, a father, or a close friend, and of course the son of two painstaking parents. I didn’t want his family to experience what my in-laws got through! The thing I love most about hubby is that he never contradicts with me in crucial moments. Well, yes, we took him to a hospital with another man companying us so that he could stay with the victim at the hospital and that we could continue our way back home. Thought it was like a dagger that stabbed my heart to see the man with his bloody face and curls so closely (it was the first time I witnessed such a thing), it was a good feeling saving a man's life. Now I just hope and pray he is alive and healthy back to his family and friends, and that he keeps this phrase in mind that "NEVER DRIVE FAST".

It's been more than a week that I came home but I'm just too busy with house chores(mostly) and university classes and lots of things that pop up every day that I can't get to write a word in my web log to let my friends know that yes I'm still breathing. This is what my long absent made master to send me:

Hey, Narcis, tsup? Everybody is asking me what happened to the web log, my answer is "DON’T KNOW". Say, you've got lots of fans, eh? Do sth for them pls.

Well, I really didn't think I had "lots of fans". I'm wondering why my fans don’t hearten me up with their kind comments so that I get encouraged to write more and more. Wish they could leave a short comment saying "hello, is any one there??" but Master was the only one, except my blogger friends, who left me a really really long msg. I know it's been more than fifteen days that my web log is not the active one it used to be before. I really want to do all the things I used to do before going on the trip, but it's like the trip had changed me to a more responsible person. Can any one believe Narcis can be a responsible person ever??!! I myself doubt!

Back after a long time, Narcis

March 1^st

the diary of the week 1

It was last Thursday that hubby came home with a good news: "I've taken off my duty at the garrison for 4 days." That was what we had been waiting for and what we really needed. So we planed for a 5-day- trip from Friday up to Tuesday.  We moved on Friday morning, with our own car, to our first destination "Qom"(the city of priests I call) where many of his cousins (mostly married) and both his brothers stay and going to be priests. Well, it should be mentioned that hubby is from a veryyy religious family. I guess most of our country needs for having more priests have been really fulfilled by my in-laws! lol, just kidding. But still it can be a true fact for most of their sons are going to be priests and most of their daughters are married to young priests.

Now about hubbie's brothers: his older brother is married for 5 or 6 years and lives with his wife in a rent house, and the younger (who is 6 months younger than me) in spite of his insistence on getting married as soon as possible,  is single and naturally stays in a dormitory. Well, the family thinks it's too soon for him to get married though I guess they are looking for a bride for him.

Any way, in spite of our parents great worries about hubby's usual style of driving (which is really fast and with a high possibility of having an accident), to my great surprise he had driven really good and carefully. The whole way I would tell him: "honey, I'm so proud of you driving like this, you know I never thought you would be ever able of driving so carefully! I'm so happy that finally I could sit in a car with you without actually getting a heart attack…hahahaha…oh sweety…watch out that car….no, you are getting so close to it…hey  stop it ok?...now you are scaring me to death…noooooooo (screaming).

In our way, we stopped "to witness some phenomena insight" and to appreciate the beauty of it and also to click some pictures of the view. It was all covered with snow and for us who rarely get snow in our home town it was such a beauty or better say a real wow. Here is a picture of me in the snow. I'm cleaning my boot off of snow.

Please don’t save the picture, I trust you on your honor

لطفا این عکس را ذخیره نفرمایید.

We arrived Qom around dinner time. My sister-in-law had made macaroni (my favorite food). At dinner, my younger brother in law made us laugh to stitches talking about his plans for marriage and about how he is gonna treat his bride!

My sister in-law and I stayed up till late in the midnight talking about any thing and every thing. Some times we couldn’t take our breath laughing so much.

The next morning, we visited the sacred mausoleum of lady Ma'someh (peace be upon her). And for launch, we were invited to my high school closest friend's house. It was so good being with her talking and giggling while our hubbies were taking a nap after launch. Finally we had to leave each other with sorrows of separation and hope of our next visit.

To be continued…

Narcis

Feb 25^th  

I'll be back soon

I have a lot to write but I'm not feeling like. I've been really trying to take up my pen get to the keyboard and type some paragraphs in my web log, but I couldn’t. I'll be back when I'm feeling better and tell you all happened.

Narcis