Its yasamin's second birthday tomorrow. And I'm aging. I'm a simple 24 year old mother. I'm nothing. Or maybe I'm just a simple English teacher at some institutes with no remarkable salary which I receive at the end of the term. I'm disappointed. It's not what I wanted of me to be. It's not what I wanted for me. I'm all disappointed. I don’t paint. I scarcely play the piano since I don’t have time for that. All my life is like working and working and gaining almost nothing. I'm tired of working inside and outside with no help from nobody. I'm breaking down under all the pressure I feel on me. And I'm still alone. I'm no body. I'm no body. I'm no body. I've had big dreams for me which I wish I had never wished for them. If I had never desired big things for me, I wouldn’t have been so hapless now. I feel empty inside and at the same time I feel so much inside me; so much hatred and anger that is killing me inside. All I feel now is hatred for the job I have. Being a stupid teacher with no great salary wasn't exactly I've wished for. This damn job has affected all my life, I have no time for myself, not so much time to do the house chores, not so much energy to spend with my baby. And all I receive is nothing comparing to what I do. I'm sick and tired to death of being an English teacher. Maybe I should have chosen another field at university. Maybe I should have gone after art like painting. At least I wouldn’t be disappointed as much as I am now. God, I'm tired of thinking what I was born to do. I'm tired of thinking of the plan I thought you had for me. I don’t wanna think anymore. I don’t wanna have any dreams for me any more. And still I'm not going after art, either. I will continue this damn boring life till the day I'll die.
Narcis