to vent my frustrations

I'm angry. I'm fed up of this life I'm living. Nothing is going to my way. Every time I want something I have to see whether people agree or not, whether they allow me or not. Ah ah ah, screw this life, I hate it. When it comes to theatre the whole world want me to stop and go no further, talk no more. When it comes to **** God doesn’t want to give it to me. When it comes to having an ordinary marriage, I have to tolerate every thing and bear up with thousands of difficult situations hubby is making for me (not on purpose of course). It's been almost 5 years that we are together and not a single day I have spent without stress. What is it God? How long I have to go on like this? How long you are going to give me miseries and want me thank you for that????!!!! Our 3 years of engagement was all separation. He was studying at universities of Mashhad and Yazd (you couldn’t send him farther, right?). And now this never-ending serving of army and loss of everything is making me suffer every single moment of everyday. Don’t I have a right to breathe in this world you said you created for mankind???? Don't I have the right to decide which way to go and what to do for my life? What is my problem? You know too well what my problem is. Yes, yes I'm still a baby who cries for the things she can't get. Yes I'm angry that hubby didn't let me go with my friends. They have booked for flight and hotel and everything and they are going to have fun and I'm gonna sit here and spend every single moment of every day of this life of misery with loneliness! You love doing this to me right? I know you enjoy doing it to me. I have a good mind to make a ruin out of this house to show you how I hate you all, to tell you how you all are so cruel and selfish. Yes, yes you are cruel too. Oh please don’t call yourself kind or whatever. I know who you really are. I know how you torment you slaves and want them to thank you for that. Leave me alone, I'm much better off without you!

I'm nobody

April 18^th

I don’t wanna be your little bird

My university friends (about 15 people I guess) have planned to go on a 3-day trip to "Kish" another two weeks. Every one is so excited about this; after all it’s the first and the last trip they are ever going on together. It's kinda their graduation celebration too. I don’t use "we" because hubby thinks I shouldn't go with them:" I can't let you go all by yourself (hey I'm not a baby in arms ok, I'm 21. and no for your information, I'm not all by myself, there are gonna be about other 15 people with me). You are my little bird, what if your little wings get broken! (…….)

So this is it. I'm not going for hubby thinks I'm his little bird who can't take care of herself, whose wings will definitely get broken if he is not around. But it seems her heart doesn’t break if he keeps her in the house. She will definitely feel happy when she sees he doesn’t have time for her, when all he focuses on is his work and work and work and not his little bird, when she has to bear up with the situation till every thing comes back to normal after one thousand year, when with all these she doesn’t deserve to enjoy herself with her friends.

Me: "but…I really wanna go with them…I may not get to even see them ever after graduation…I've never left u alone (while u have)…and besides I've never gone to Kish"

Him:"………"

Me: "you don't want me to go, right?"

Him: "please, I want us to go together"

Me:"……….."

I remembered what my teacher said the day before: "women can not have the last word as long as men are around!"

And I remembered what I said: "that's not true; in our house I must always have the last word (otherwise I make a night out of hubby's day)"

Him: "we will go to Kish together, I promise"

Me:"………..."

Narcis

April 17^th  

the secret is revealed

I'm sorry I haven’t posted for a while. Don’t worry about me. I'm alright; still breathing here. Well, it was because there wasn’t any thing special to tell before. And now that I'm writing this, I just wanna write a quickie about what I got through in the past two days. They were one of those terrible days I have ever experienced.

See, hubby and I have kept a secret for a year. It was very important for both of us to keep others in dark about it (of course excluding our parents). But my dear mother in-law sat and told her sister in-law (her brother's wife) about it,  asking her to promise not to breath it with any one of course. After all who could reveal a secret without asking that ! But this faithful sister in-law of her couldn't hold her tongue and told her two daughters and her two daughters went out and told every one about it. Now my whole in-laws know about it as it seems. So it's no secret to any one now and I'm screwed!

There is this cousin of hubby who is kinda intimated with me. So she came over the other night with her hubby and lovely son, and told me about what happened. I swear I would bomb my head to the wall if they weren’t there. I did my best not to scream or cry in their presence. But I did pretty good job on shouting and crying when they were gone. I'm afraid if I'd woken up my neighbors, because I was screaming and calling names really loudly and poor hubby just couldn’t do any thing about it. I went out of control and broke things too. I had a good mind calling his mom and tell her how stupid she was for trusting such a big-mouthed person (don’t tell hubby about what I called his mom!) but hubby didn’t let me. He promised to talk to her the next day. And he did. And to my great surprise she said she had no idea it was that important for me to keep others in dark about it otherwise she wouldn’t tell it to her.(you see she really deserved to be called stupid)so it was me the past two days: crying and cursing.

You should have seen my eyes, my goodness they were so puffy that I could hardly opened them. Today, mummy talked to me and said they would finally know about it some day and that it's no big deal so I shouldn't bother myself so much about this and so on and so forth. So I'm feeling better now. But still I can't forgive my mother in law and her mean sister in-law.

I know that hubby's mom is never mean; she is just…umm…very simple-minded you know. That's the only thing I hate about her; otherwise she has a very kind heart and is so god-fearing, so she never hurts any one on purpose. So I may forgive her as time goes on. But I can hardly forgive hubby's aunt for what she has done.

Sorry I know it was supposed to be just a quickie.

Narcis

April 8^th

some news about our little Goldilocks

The big party was not held in my house! Mom believed my house was not big enough to for 50guests!

Me: it's not big??!! Come on mom, you see how big my house is. How can you say it's small?

Her: I'm not saying it's small. It is big, but not for 50 guests to sit comfortably.By the way serving 50 guests is too much for you to handle. It's still too soon for you, you are not that much experienced in holding partiesso i think the party must be held in our house!

Me: but mom…I would love to have the whole family in my house…please……."

Yes, I was (forced to be) convinced that it was better that the party was held in mom's house. In one way I was happy about it --> I wouldn’t have to serve that lady of grace, uncle's new bride.

I went to help mom around noon and the whole time the new member of the family was on my mind: "how does she look like? Uh they say she is not that much pretty. But hossin (my brother) says she is lovely and kind with a cute Rashty accent. He says he loves already! Uh he is still wet behind his ear…I'd better not pay much attention to her when she is around. Uhhu I'd tell other cousins to ignore her, too. That would serve her right!" I know I was being extremely mean last night, but I couldn’t help it.

She was the only subject of gossip among my cousins. When I saw each of my cousins I would say: "Did you see uncle's little Goldilocks?"

A cousin: " oh yes…God forbids, I wonder how uncle fell for her. She is 3 years older than him!! 35 as it is said! One can easily notice the wrinkles around her eyes in the first look! Uh uncle, how could you?!!!"

Me: "noooo waaaayyy!!!!!!!"

Or

Me: "what did you call her?  I hope you didn't call her auntie??"

Another cousin: "not in a million years! I don’t think I'll ever call her… maybe just her name in case I should have to!"

Me: "same here"

 I have to confess it was a real fun seizing her up, talking behind her back and giggling!

And oh when I saw her, my goodness I was shocked for a second, couldn’t move at all. She truly looks older than my uncle! I can't believe this Miss. Granny could steal my uncle's heart so easily. And how weak was my uncle!! They both have to answer to god in the day of Doom for the wrong they did.

We are going to my cousin's house for dinner now. Every one is there again including the subject of our gossip, ha-ha.

Gotta go, hubby wants me to get ready.

I'll post it when I'm back.

The evil side of Narcis

March 30^th

 

getting invited too much

Dear Diary,

The weddings are over; the newly weds have already started their happy marriage. But I am not resting as I thought I'd be: there is parties one after another everyday and some times we are invited to two parties at the same time and that's the time hubby and I have to sit and think which one to choose to go! So it's like I still can't get a chance to spend with me, and I kinda miss myself.

Tomorrow night, hubby's uncles and aunts (on his dad's side) are invited to his parents' house for dinner. So I, like a good daughter-in-law, promised to be there beside my mother in-law and take a part in cooking! Hubby's sister and his elder bother's wife (they came over for New Year holidays from Qom) are there too, so there may not be any necessity for my presence. But after all they are my in-laws, one gotta be careful about these things; it's like a policy you know. Well, I promised to make the chicken and tomorrow I gotta be there for lunch so that I can be useful the whole afternoon.

And well, there is gonna be a big party in MY house on Thursday night. Here are my guests (all on mom's side): mom and brother, granny, aunts with their husbands and kids and all married cousins with their spouses, two of mom's uncles with their wives and children (some of them are married, so let's include their spouses and their kids too) and an aunt of mom with her family, and finally my younger uncle with his newly bride. I have to confess that I really don’t wish to see her in my house; I guess I already have a grudge against her. Wish mom hadn't invited her. *Note: my younger uncle's first marriage was a failure, and it's been a year that they got divorced. our little cousin lives with his mom now and we rarely get to see him. Just lately, we heard of uncle's marriage to this girl from "Rasht". I haven’t seen her yet, but based on evidence, my cousins and I think that she was behind the split. So although (as my brother says) she may have a cute Rashty accent and (pretend to) be nice, we, the girls, hate her already.

For food, I guess I'll make chicken, fish, "gheime", salad. I'm thinking of making soup and kebab too. But I'm not all sure about foods, so I may change the list. I'd better counsel with mom first and then fix it. wow, it's gonna be the biggest party I've ever held. I just hope every thing will be fine.

Narcis

March 28^th

sorry i can't write any longer

It's just a quickie:

Off or On?

Things randomly go up and down between me and hubby. Not a single day goes by without an argument. What's wrong, I have no clues. Maybeà I'm being so sensitive and he's being so tough on me. When we are on, it's really fine. But well…when off, things go wrong! I may shout, scream, or…well…break things too!

Busy?

My goodness, since the first day of New Year I've been busy like hell. No time to breath. I had some guests for dinner on the first day of noruz (New Year). And yesterday hubby and I visited some relatives as it is a tradition to do so in the first days of noruz.

This whole week I'll be in weddings and parties every day! Today was the start. In the afternoon, I was invited to "bardehi" party of my neighbor's daughter whose engagement party is tomorrow. Then tonight it was "hana bandan" party of my cousin in-law, whose wedding dress I worked on. And tomorrow it is this cousin in-law's wedding and tomorrow night is the engagement party. On Sunday ill be in "hana bandan" party of my own cousin (dad's sister's daughter). And on Monday it's my friend's wedding (Maryam, the one I did my project with). Finally on Tuesday it's my cousin's wedding and after that I guess I can rest.

Gotta go, it's 2:10 am. I have to sleep, tomorrow is the wedding, I don’t wanna be there with puffy eyes.

It's just narcis

March 24^th

half an hour to New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR 1386