a short letter to my father

My dearest father,

It's the father's day tomorrow…as other girls are happy buying gifts for their fathers, I'm mournful for your loss as if I've lost you yesterday. I wish I could have bought you a gift. I wish I could have hugged and kissed you and told you "happy father's day to the best father in the whole world."

Oh, how I miss you! Why can't I get rid of this pain? How long? How long am I gonna suffer for your loss? I can't take it, daddy. Why don’t I have you with me? Why did you go to the front? Did you ask me if I liked you to go? No, you didn't. After all you couldn't have asked an eighteen month old girl if she desired to be an orphan!

I went shopping today, you know. But I couldn’t find any thing for you in the market.  Nothing seemed to be good for you. What girls buy for their father on the father's day in Heaven?

We're going on a trip to Ghom in less than three hours. I haven’t packed our stuff yet. I don’t feel like going. Hubby has gone out to have the car ready for our trip. So I could at least get the chance to write you this. This is the only thing I can do for you for the father's day. I'm sorry that I couldn’t do anything more than that. I wish I could have.

You see how sad it is, I couldn’t buy you any presents, I can't even visit you (your grave) tomorrow. Well, that happens when you don’t have a father.

I have told God that I don’t wanna live much long in this world because it's so hard to live in here. Resisting all the temptations of this world demands a strong soul; something I lack. I want to stay pure so that I can be with you in Heaven. But I know I don’t have a pure soul. What if Lord sends me to Hell? If he does so, will you come to Hell to be with me?? No, I don't think so, I know you won't. You never come to my dreams while you know how I crave for you. So how can I expect you to tolerate the free flame of fire for me, for you sinful daughter? No, I won't expect that from you as I don’t expect you to come to my dreams.

I'm not feeling well. I wish I could talk about you with some one. I don’t expect to find anyone to talk, either.

Your lonely daughter,

Narcis

My childhood love

Last Friday there was a get together at my granny's house (from my mom's side) because my uncle came from Rasht to spend the three-day- holiday in his home town. You know, it's so good to have lots of relatives and to spend some time with them. It really feels good to think that what ever or in any position you are, where ever you live, back there, you have some people who love you and who have been with you from the very first moments of your existence; the people who belong to you and who you belong to them. So, that was just so wow with all of my aunts and cousins and their spouses and their kids. My uncle is a humorous and entertaining sort of person, made us laugh to stitches talking about anything and everything. We had lunch and in the afternoon, my cousins and I had lots of greengages with salt while we teased each other like the way we used to when we were kids; that was so much fun.

In the evening, I was sitting on the porch and watching yasamin playing with my cousins' kids in the yard. And it took me back to years ago, when my aunts were young, and when my uncle was still single, and when my cousins and I were kids.   

Well, at that time, we used to get together a lot, like every weekend for sure. And my cousins and I (girls and boys) used to play in granny's big garden from morning to noon and then from afternoon till night. We used to stay the night over at granny's with bedrooms and the living room full; all kids sleeping in one room, siblings(my aunts and uncle) in another, and the men( aunts' husbands) in the living room.

While the living room was almost quiet with the men snoring there, the bedrooms were restless and noisy; in one of them with the siblings' talks and laughs about old memories and in the other one with the boys teasing girls and with the girls' objections to be teased; the boys from among my childhood love was. 

As I was all drowned in the past memories, he came to me with a smile asking: 

Him: does it remind you of our childhood? 

Me: oh yeah, we had a very happy and special childhood, didn’t we? 

Him: sure we did. I thought you forgot all about it. 

Me: come on, how could I? They were the best days of my life. 

Him: same here. You know, I often think about those days…I wouldn’t play with anyone but you and the other cousins (girls) were so jealous… 

Me: ha ha, that was because I was the only one who could tolerate an irritating and cranky one like you (laughing) 

Him: yes and also because you were so sweet that I couldn’t be with anyone else but you. You still are! 

Me: Wow that was flirty! 

Him: Nooo, come on. I'm serious…You know, when I was a kid I used to think that you and I were gonna…you never know what will happen! 

Me: Our childhood memories are very beautiful and sacred. But, to be frank, I think we weren’t meant to be together. But we are good friends now, right? Just like before. 

Him: yeah, you're right. 

Me: 

Him:  

He was right. As kids, we would always stick together. But when we grew up and reached puberty, I was the one who backed off. Then as he was busy hanging out with his girlfriends, I was all drowned in my own kind of mysticism which was writing letters to Lord and my dad. Years past, I got engaged while he was happy with a girlfriend. 3 years later, I got married and he got engaged with that girlfriend.  I had Yasamin and he broke up with his fiancée. And in the whole time each of us seemed to be happy with the way we had chosen to live. So, I think that was how fate separated us and we never even realized it. And now, I don’t and can't ever feel anything about him other than the feeling I may have for a cousin. And I'm sure it’s the same for him, too.  Because if anything was supposed to happen, it would have happened years ago. Well, although I hate the fact that I didn’t choose hubby (mom did), I know mom made the best choice for me. And even if I was free to choose my husband, to be perfectly honest, I would never fall for my childhood love.  

Narcis

That was very professional of me

On Monday, the day of unpleasant incident: I couldn’t take my mind off of what happened. That very day I was all confused. The whole day I kept asking myself "why? Why me? What wrong have I done that they thought they could say such a thing to me? How am I going to go to that class or even other classes? Is this how they look at me?" I canceled my private class that I had in the evening. I had a very bad headache, I had neither energy nor interest to talk, I couldn’t eat much, and at night, it took me hours to get to sleep. And the fact that I couldn’t talk about it with hubby or anyone else was killing me to death.

On Tuesday: I woke up with a bad headache. Every where I went or looked at, the damn chair and the words were right in front of my eyes. They weren’t getting out of my sight or thought. I had my piano lessens but I couldn’t focus on playing the piano. Even my piano teacher could realize that something was wrong with me. I attended my classes in the afternoon. But I was a wreck. Colleagues asked if I was okay, and I said it was just a bad headache. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Again at night, it took me hours to sleep.

On Wednesday:  I woke up with a very bad headache. I felt like my head was about to explode. My heart was beating so fast. I attended my classes in the afternoon. But I was such a mess. I wasn’t able to act; to look happy. My head was so heavy and my mind was full of crazy thoughts. Colleagues realized something was wrong. They asked but I couldn’t say anything wishing I could have. They talked and laughed and I wished I could have, too. But nothing sounded funny to me. Classes were over. Now, I could finally get a chance to talk to a colleague about what happened. I could finally empty myself. She told me that I had to find out the culprit and let him get what he is deserved for and that I had to punish him otherwise the other students would think that they could disrespect their female teachers and easily get away from it.

We talked for less than 20 minutes and after that, it was all me again; calm and comforted. I was relieved. And the amazing point was that it didn’t seem so awful and embarrassing to me anymore. Well, I didn’t do anything wrong, I shouldn’t have been ashamed for something I had no hands on. I could smile again, my headache was gone. And I was determined to find the wrongdoer. 

That night it took an hour to sleep but this time I was planning how to trap the offender.

On Thursday: I woke up with no headache. I was at ILI 15 minutes early and in less than 10 minutes, with an old trick, I found the offender. I called his mother and asked her to be at ILI at eleven thirty. Then I went to the class with a smile. I wasn’t afraid of that chair anymore. I wasn’t weak anymore. I managed the class as naturally as possible. And when the class was over, I told the offender that he wasn’t going anywhere. He knew why. He followed me upstairs and begged me to forgive him. All I said was" stay here, your mom is on her way" he was panicked. I went to teacher's office and waited. And there she was, on time. I invited her in, told the boy to stay out, and I talked to her. I told her what happened and what her son did, and what I got through. I said "I will do your son a favor and I won't tell the principal, because if I do the principal will never let him step into ILI again. I don’t want to ruin his future for this. However, as a punishment, I'm going to fail him this term so that he or any other students at ILI won't have the audacity to offend a female teacher."

She was very embarrassed and apologetic. She said that she was very sorry and that she didn’t know what to say, and left as a couple of colleagues stepped in. They asked what happened and I told them all. It didn’t sound like a hush-hush to me anymore.

Now although more people at my work know about what happened, I'm still not willing to let hubby know. I don’t want him to think that I'm not working in a good place. I will forget all about it in less than a week but he, as a husband, will be worried forever. I don’t want to see worries in his eyes when I'm leaving for work.

My Lord, I'm very thankful to you that I could handle the crisis very well. I'm happy that, with your help, I could act on Monday; that I could pretend I didn’t see those words, and that I could manage the class very well as if nothing happened. I thank you that you helped me control myself in not telling hubby about it. And of course I'm grateful to you for having Ms. Noruzian, the good colleague/ friend, to help me out of it, the one whom my special thanks go to. You know, I forgive that kid for your love and I hope the best for him. But it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be punished. Failing him this term will teach him a lesson and this is for the best.

Being proud of me,

Narcis  

what's worse than being insulted

I woke up at about a quarter to 9. I washed my face thinking that "it's just another great day". Yasamin and I had breakfast, got dressed and got into the car. I drove her to the kindergarten and I headed ILI thinking "it's just another great day". I parked the car, ran to ILI because I didn’t want to be late. I wasn’t late. I was fifteen minutes early. And I was thinking "what a great day!" Colleagues talked and laughed, I talked and laughed thinking "indeed it’s a great day". I took my books and Cd and all the stuff heading the class with a smile. I opened the door, said hello to my students, they said hello, too. I sat at my desk and…

There was a chair right in the middle of the class and right in front of me. I had a glance at it. There were some words written on it. It read……………

It was a about me!! About me?!! I took my eyes off of it, knowing that my students were observing me. I was embarrassed and insulted. I was sure they read it and I was sure they saw me reading it. But I pretended I didn’t see it, that I wasn’t insulted at all. I pretended that I didn’t see that chair. And as I was pretending I was asking my self "Have I ever done or said anything like that to my teachers?" and the answer was no. I've never even dared to talk about my teachers in that way.

 I did what I normally do; I taught, I joked around with them, we laughed. But I kept asking myself "what's worse than being insulted?".

I know I am a good actress. That damn chair was in front me for an hour and half and I was burning inside. But I didn’t let them know how I was feeling and that I was acting. And I thanked God for this gift.

The class was over. They were gone. I closed the door. We were alone, me and the damn chair. I took out my correction pen and I did what I had to do asking myself " to whom can I talk about this? Hubby?...Never. A friend?... So embarrassing. Mom?... I can't say those words to mom…so no one is left. It's only God that I can turn to."

I was done. I opened the door. All the students were gone. Most of the colleagues were gone, too. I got out, walked to my car with a frown. I couldn’t breath, I was choking, and my hands were shaking. I got into the car, put on my sunglasses, turned on the Cd player, drove home, and I looked at the sky, looked at Him and I cried. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. I was insulted and I couldn’t say a word. I had to keep quiet and laugh and teach!

I arrived home. I sat in the car for a while, took off my sunglasses, looked at me in the mirror. My cheeks were blushed, lips were dry and eyes were wet. And I asked my self "is it a great day? Is it how they look at me? Is it how they think of me? Would they do the same if I were a man? Did I get that because I am a woman?"

What happened today didn't make me hate teaching. No, I don’t hate teaching. I don’t hate teaching boys. I don’t hate ILI. I don’t hate my students. I don’t even hate the one or the ones who did this. But I hate that chair. I hate it so badly. I want it to be destroyed.

Every night, I bore hubby with what happens at ILI each day; what colleagues say, what students do, what I do. He watches TV and I keep talking and talking asking myself "is he listening to me?". Well, I don’t care; I need to talk, to take every thing out of me, to empty me, so that I can start another great day with no words unsaid from the day past. But tonight, things will be different. I will be quiet. I will have nothing to say. He will watch TV and he won't get bored with my talks. And if he asks "how was you day?", I will say" it was a great day!"

It’s a quarter to 2 pm. I have to go to ILI and sit in front of that chair at 2:3o, again. Oh, Lord, how I hate that damn chair!

Being badly insulted,

Narcis

smarty little baby

A scene from my piano class:

My piano teacher: you are doing good… comparing to last year, you are progressing very well.

Me: really? Thanks.

My piano teacher: Has anyone ever told you that you are so smart?

Me: oh yeah, my father mentioned it in his will…

Shoooooooooooooot!! Was it the best answer I could have ever given to a compliment?! My father in his will?!!!! What was I thinking at that moment? I'm sure he took back what he said when he heard my answer.

You know Narcis, when once in a blue moon some one comes and tells you that you are smart, just take the compliment and simply say thanks. Don’t go for details or you prove them wrong! Well, that wasn’t very smart of you anyway.

Sometimes silly me,

Narcis

you think of a title for this one

I'm very sick.

I have a killing sore throat and a fever and my whole body hurts.

 Normally people sleep a lot when they are sick. But I can't sleep, my back hurts badly so I feel I get worse if I lie down.

He keeps calling and texting; bothering me to death. I'd never thought I would hate him so much. I used to jump to get the phone when it rang and read his msgs voraciously. But now things have totally changed. Now, I hate to hear his voice, to read his love texts he sends, I hate to think that he is or was my soul mate. Just two months ago I was all in love with him; we were like twin souls. But now I just wanna forget all about him. I just wanna think that he doesn’t exist. I know that it's impossible, but this is how I feel now, and I don’t tend to change the way I feel.

For six months we had been inseparable; used to hang out a lot (secretly). After not being together for such a long time, he was there for me ready to be found. We were so close together that no one could realize where he was started and where I was finished. He showered me with love and affection, which I craved for since I was a kid and which I was deprived of from a father figure; he could fill that empty spot in me. But there were some problems we faced: First, hubby didn’t like him thinking he was taking me away from him and his wife had a grudge against me thinking the same thing hubby thought. Second, when two people are almost alike characteristically, they share all the good characteristics plus the bad ones. We couldn’t get along when both of us were cranky; we experienced horrible fights together.    

Now it's been two months since our last fight and we had been totally disconnected for a month and half, however, he has been pushing and driving me nuts for a couple of weeks. Maybe it's because he is suffering from this distance. Well, I really don’t care if it’s the case; I just want my life back to normal. And for him, he'd better watch his mouth when he gets angry since I really hated what he said to me in our last fight. It's too soon to forgive him.

Then, I came back to hubby confessing to myself that no one can understand me better than he does; no man can respect my feelings and thoughts or believes more than he does. Now, I love hubby more than ever.

Sick me- on really bad terms with my half brother,

Narcis