a ray of hope

 My dear lover Lord 

With your help and blessings I have totally recovered from my severe mental breakdown and depression. I don’t want to kill myself anymore. Those days are gone; the days I felt hatred for hubby, mom, stepdady or even myself. The days that I hated everyone except Yasmin are gone for good. The days that i used to sit in a corner and cry for lots of things and sometimes for nothing, the days that I used to mourn for dad’s loss as if he passed away the day before, and the days i felt i was thirsty of love and nothing seemed to relinquish its thirst are gone for good   

But this long time depression had its own bad effects on me and my life; it  severly killed me, killed my artistic soul and my innocence   

In the past couples of years, this depression has been affecting all my life including my activities and intrests in all i loved and i wasn’t even aware of it. I came to know it 9 months ago telling myself that hey im not a normal person. I didn’t feel normal. I didnt act normally. Then that was the time i started seeing a good psycologist, and with all those therapy sessions and also all the suprising  love and attention i recieved from hubby (something i yearned for all these years i was married to him), i’m alright now. I seem to have recovered quite well from my mentual trauma, and that’s what i owe my doctor, hubby and some good supportive friends 

 I have strugged with it so hard and now i feel much better. But still i’m not strong enough. i feel like there’s something missing in my life. I’m not sure. Maybe i’m just confused, but confused about what? About the feelings i had or have had for different people in my life?  I don’t know. Or maybe it’s just the darkness within me; the darkness that draws me to evil. Where did this darkness come from? I don’t know exactly. All i know is that I hate it and that I want to be innocent again  

 My dearest lord, you know everything about me, you know me better than i know myself. Please have me back with you. I’m missing your love. I hate every bad event of my life. I hate all the mistakes i have made, and i hate all the mistakes hubby has made. I hate to see my innocence lost and gone. i need to forget the sins i have commited. And i hate to be far away from You. i miss you. I miss those days of my life i used be with you. Why dont you call me to be with you again? Why dont you have me back in your arms? Why dont you clear my mind? Why dont you erase the terrible moments of my sins off of my mind? What happened to my innocence? What have i done to my soul? Please help me to find and be the real me again 

Well, maybe my life is not the party that I wanted it to be, But now that I was invited into it, i have to dance as beautifully as i can! And no matter what happened or happens, there is always a tomorrow

Narcis