What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do to feel better? Why can't I just get over myself and make a decision? I feel so lost inside and I don’t know what to do for my future. What am I going to be? I'm stuck between right and wrong. I don’t know which the right path is and which the wrong one is. Isn't it funny I have been given so many talents but yet I 'm doubtful which one to use? Isn't it funnier that I have been told some of my talents have not been given to me by God, but by Satan??!! Isn't funny that to me it's just the forbidden fruit which I can't eat? And isn't it funnier that would be a big lie if I ever say I don’t like the fruit? Do I really have to thank all the NICE people who proved me wrong that using my talents is a definite mistake? Or do I do the right thing if I think this is Satan's temptation if I take them as talents any way???
Ah million and million of people in this world make big decisions every day and they never bother themselves too much about all these. So why do I have to kill my spirit grieving over this?! God, why me???? Why me? They say you've got plan for every one; what is your plan for me?
I still don’t believe (or don't want to believe) that it's not my cup of tea. But the thing that FORCES me to think that I believe it is the fear I have; the fear of having a bad future, the fear of His anger. But I call my self a coward for I can't take a risk for the thing I've loved all my life.
Oh God how my heart twinges and how my head is heavy with all these never-ending thoughts and doubts. I'm in a life of absurdity and I don’t like it. I swear I hate it.
You know, some times I think of the day of Doom, and I say If I ever die and God would want to send me to hell, I would shout at him and tell him "right or wrong, meaningful or meaningless, I quitted what I loved all my life just for your satisfaction and for your fear. Now if you send me to that fire, I tell you I doubt in your justice!!!!!!" Is it right if think of shouting at Him for my desires???
God you are the only one so close to me. You are the only one who hears me crying, who feels me trembling, and who wipe my tears away with the thought of his mercy. I'm tired, I'm done because I don’t see any future for me and that's unbearable. Narcis without hope and joy for life is nobody, is nothing, is just an alive dead. So do help me to the right direction. Give me what I want in your own way, please please please. You know I thank you for what you have given and what have not or never may give (you know too well what I'm talking about) so do have mercy upon me in this matter. Please I know it's nothing for you to guarantee the small thing I want from you. I want to enjoy this life before I die. I want to enjoy it the way I myself do, not the way others want me to, that's not fair. If you think ******* is not good for me, show me another way, open another door, bring another candle to fire. But don’t ask me to stay in the dark when all doors are locked and when my path leads no where. Don’t tell me there is no key for I know your mercy is the key to all locked doors. Don’t tell me that there is no candle for I know you yourself are the light to every thing. Don’t tell me there is no way out for I know you are the way yourself. Give joy back to me, show me a way, and tell me what to do. I don’t want other's advice, I want yours. I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to tell me there is future for me; that there is light, joy, and satisfaction. Show me a ray of hope before I go insane and do what I (or Satan, not sure) do what you may not like.
Two inches before absurdity,
Narcis
March 5th
Hello narcis ,
you have brought all my thoughts in front of my eyes. There is sometimes a hesitation {is this right or wrong? }don’t bother yourself I want you to suppose this case .It might happen too that you have several great desires ready and waiting for you .you have many things that you've fight (a real difficult fight )to gain but what is wrong you don’t enjoy them so much and are not satisfied now everything is like just fun ,entertainment (I'm talking about great successes )And what you feel then …you beg for just a few days maybe some minutes of your past situation (AS YOU'RE GETTING MAD ) & that 's ME (I just said it to say it is real not an imagination believe me please that I don’t want to compare I'm saying this can happen too ) I know it's no use as I had experience it before that's the way I had to go and one day I'll realize the reasons behind why I have to tolerate these unpleasant things around me and I'll be proud of it but honestly although I know I'm doing right (in some way) I cant help arguing with myself sometimes.
Sorry I talked a lot , just one thing more I myself have thousands of questions and whys but please pay your life for something of enough value not to become regretful one day
Good luck
i'll keep it in mind
helen keller, who was deaf, blind, and dumb, said:" when one door of happiness is closed, another one get opened.but most of the time, we look at the close door for a long time that we forget there was some opened one." she was a great unique woman, you know rarely you 'd find these unique people on this earth,God bless her.and .God bless you.
Thanks for the beautiful comment u sent
salam
weblag pormalati ast
amma kami boye pachekhri darad.
dar zemn gozashtan aks va taklif ijad kardan sahee nist
zire parcham velayat mostadam bashid.
My dear friend Zaban deraz(sorry it's what you called yourself),
I don’t know who you are. i dont know how long you've been reading my web log either (it seems you have read most part of it). I don’t know whether it was your first visit or not. But still I think I'm supposed to say this: Thanks for being my guest for a while in my web log. I hope my web log was no bore for you with all my nagging and complaining about what I want and can't get.
Here is my answer to the points you made:
First, that’s kind of you if you think I have a "weblage pormalat". I hope it's is really the case (though I doubt it myself). I believe other web logs are my better than mine (their comment boxes proves so).
Second, about your idea of my web log having "boye pachekhri"(there is a sense of buttering up), well, I never thought of it. Maybe the parts I talk about master made you think so. If that’s the case I should tell you that you are wrong because I am really fond of him. You don’t know my master; he is the best teacher I have ever had. I'm not the only one who says so, most of his students have the same idea. Any way, I can't blame you for what you think. May be it was my fault to make you think so.
And the last not the least, I didn’t made any "taklif" for any one. I loved the picture and I thought it to be too cute not to share with my friends. I wanted to have it in my web log. But still I think I have the right to ask my readers not to save my personal pictures. Many bloggers may do it and that’s natural I guess.
Hope to get more and more of your comments in my web log though they may sound as electric shock at the first sight.
Keep in touch,
Narcis