life changes

It's been a year and a month and half since I sent the last post. I remember those days very well. The days of sorrows and disappointments, the days of hatred I felt for my job, the days of frustrations and stagnation, and the days that I was still mourning for the loss of my father. I remember them very well. I remember how I was almost disappointed of God to show me my way. And I also remember how I gave up my piano lessens and the English discussion class I had with Master; I remember how, at nights, I used to cry silently for hours in bed with no good reason till I fell asleep and got up in the morning with puffy eyes. I do remember how broken I was because I wasn’t what I wanted of me. I was so disappointed for I didn’t get what I wanted in life. I remember very well, I remember every minute of those sad and awful days.

I also remember my turning point in life; the day my psychologist said that I was suffering from depression and that it’s my own entire fault. She said it was all because I had big ideals and dreams with little efforts to reach them. So from that day I decided to stop nagging and really do something for me and my life. So, on that day I stopped crying and finally chose my way.

In less than a month I got my driving license which hubby and mommy had pushed me to get it for more than 2 years but failed to make me do  so just because I didn’t feel like driving( well, that’s crazy, I know). Now you've gotta see me driving! You may think I'm riding a jet or something!!

Then five month later I got into ILI (Iran Language Institute), with real efforts this time. I tried to be fully concentrated and did the best I could in the entrance exam, the interview and Demo. And it's been three terms that I've been an ILI teacher. And I feel so good about it. As a matter of fact I feel so good about me now. I receive a good monthly salary with job security and all a teacher needs to feel good about her job. I have a very bright future here.

Also, I have started my piano lessons all over again. So ashamed to confess, these sessions are being spent on just remembering what I had learnt before and had forgotten carelessly.

Now after years thinking what I was born to be, I have the answer. I WAS BORN TO BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER!! You may not believe it, but when I'm in my classes I feel like I'm acting on stage. It's like theatre, I have all I want; I have all the attentions and power. Now I know what Master meant when he said theater wasn’t my cup of tea and that a class can be a better place than stage. At that time I wouldn’t believe him, I would think that he is just one of the people who didn’t understand me. Now I see that I was all wrong, because he was exactly the one who realized teaching fit me and my personality best. I'm still wondering how on earth he realized this fact, because at that time I hated teaching, and I had no desire to do so. I thought teaching English was the last thing I would do. I may ask him this one day.

Now I have to say that along with the changes I have made in my life, I have changed, too. And these changes seem to have good effect on me, my self satisfaction and my self confidence. So this is a good end for this chapter of my life. Now, more than ever, I thank God for the best way he showed me. I'm thankful to him for the right path he put me on. And I'm very grateful that he made me owe him this one too.

I wanted to talk about that blank spot and that how it was finally filled, but since this entry is getting a little long, I postpone it to some other time. Well that’s a strange story too. Just wait for it.

It's so late, I've gotta go to bed, I have classes tomorrow.

Promise to not disappear this time.

With a heart full of joy

Narcis