some one tell me what to do

Since he passed away I think of death and the day of Doom a lot. I'm scared of this world; I'm scared of its uncertainty, its unfaithfulness and its gold coated evil. I don’t know how my future is gonna be, and how and when I'm gonna die. I've been craving to be on stage but now I'm afraid and uncertain. I'm not sure…its not that I don’t wanna be there at all or that it's been only a fake dream… no not at all. If I ever wanted to be there I wanted to find me and experience different worlds of humanity. Right or wrong, I just wanted to express and to be seen when I express. I always knew me being in theatre is like man living on Mars. I knew there was no breathing air, I wanted to bring there oxygen. I wanted the whole world see me on stage with my hijab and I wanted to tell them that you can be there and yet be faithful to your beliefs. But now I'm not quite sure about that…I'm not sure of this world and its dirty tricks, or maybe I'm not sure of ME. I know I've been fighting with every one for it, with my family, with mom, hubby. I won finally, but now I'm not sure if I truly won. I know I've been thinking hard about it and I've consulted with many and I was very firm about what I wanted,  but now I'm not sure of any thing…I'm not sure what I really want. What if I go after it and I loose all I have. I'm not sure if a weak person like me can resist the gaudy world of fame and sin. I know I'm after none of them but what if I'll be impelled to moral corruption and when I turn back I see that all the bridges behind me are broken and I have no other way than going ahead. I know although the world of theatre, TV, and cinema looks so fabulous, it's so cruel and dangerous to weak and innocent souls. I do dote on theatre and I do wanna be there for the rest of my life but what if theatre is not really how it is in my mind, I mean what if my imagination of an ideal theatre does not truly exist outside and the only place I can find it in is my mind and no where else. I know and hear what type of people mostly can survive in this world and I don’t want to be one of them but at the same time I wanna be there. I don’t want to be caught by death when I'm surrounded with my sins. I'm afraid of this world and I don’t want to sacrifice the other world for this world of mortality. I want to be in the right path, "the path of those whom Thou hast blessed, not of those against whom Thou art wrathful, nor of those who are astray", I want to break the passions of my soul and restrain it in its recalcitrance but still I'm enjoying the warmth of my dreams and I want them to come true since they don’t seem so far to reach

Narcis

Jan 25^th