there is nth in this post, dont read it

Its 2 am, I reallyyyy need to sleep now. Mahsa(my university close friend) is here sleeping on bed, hubby is snoring in hall(he doesn’t really snore, poor baby), and I'm still up checking my mails while I have a long day tomorrowK.

It's finally the weekend and also my friend's wedding tomorrow (actually today, after all its 2 am!)JJ.

I have a lot to write in here, but I know if I start writing, I'll be done at 4 am with at least 8 pages of written(or typed) mumbo jumbo. So I'd rather to go and get some rest. I promise to write them later (I'm not sure if I don’t break my promise). So "Good night, good night! Parting is such a sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow"(Shakespeare) ó nighty-nightJ

Narcis

May  17^th

such a carefree i am

Friday morning

The weather has been so great. I have been a good responsible wife for A week; I feel good about it. ààà I sleep at 11 pm at night, wake up at 8 am, do my housework, play music, dance(if I have classes at UNI, then no music and dance!!!), cook, don't study, do the housework, music, dance, housework, music,…, hubby comes home from Gorgan around 5 pm, we have our lunch(??!!), hubby goes to work, I go to the yard,  watch my flowers, water them, in my room again there is music, make dinner, TV, dinner, nighty-night.    THE END…

So it is me these daysJ…………..ill be back (I can't miss this music (without dance))…..volume uuuuuuuuuppp  

Ok…J… It's a classmate's wedding this coming weekend… imagine the whole class is invited!! I guess they are gonna hold it in a big garden. That’s gonna be just wow.

I want to present a lecture on KHalil Gibran's "The Prophet" on Monday in Translation of Islamic Text class but I'm not ready for it yet. I have searched a lot on net but I have found no good articles on the subject =>the more I search the less I getL.

This is the last term and I, worse than ever, have no mood for studies. I skip most of my classes, and when I do attend them I'm unprepared!!

Ok I Gotta go, mommy and I are going to a local bazaar.

Narcis

May 11

joining the game

 A couple of days ago Maryam (The Best Excuse) invited me to a blog game and asked me to write about the things I was afraid of as a kid.

Well, although, as kid, there might had been a lot of frightening things to me, but now that I look through them, only two of them seem to be different from what other kids might be afraid of. So here are my major fears as a kid:

1-I've been always afraid of water or better say to get drowned in the water! And it was worse when I was a kid. I remember I would never allow my face to be in the shower or I wouldn't be able to breathe! That was the reason why I could never learn swimming. So in the pool, I would just stay where the water is shallow. And when I went to sea, I would always be sitting or standing on the shoreline, where the waves could only touch my feet. I don’t know where this fear was originated from, but I know that I have had this fear since the very early years of my life. You may want to know that, the worst nightmares of my life were the ones I was drowning and, as a kid, my only prayer would be: "Lord, please never let me die in the water!"

2- Well, this one I'm going to tell you was a very high second fear of my life when I was a kid. As you know, daddy was killed in the war, so naturally I was afraid if mom got married!! I was afraid to have a step dad who would beat mommy up or take her away from me and my brother. So I would always hate my brother's idea about "mom bringing us a dad" and I would say: "we already have a father, understand!!" Well, fortunately this fear went away by mom's marriage to the best man on earth.

Now I invite Ali (my whispers), The Gray Man, Mehrgan, My cool fellow citizens, Sahar, Ali (jokes and...) to join and continue the game.

Narcis

May 6^th 

ummmm

Nothing special…feeling sick, sleep all day and night, I can't make it out of bed.

Friends came back from Kish, enjoyed it pretty much (!!!!!!!!!)

Haven' done anything special for the past couple of days. I was sick!

I don't expect anyone to leave comments here!!

Guess I badly need some English pen pal!

And ummmm…

 I've been sick

I feel ignored!

Narcis????!!!!!

May 2^nd

Revelation

O people! Verily, I am your great God,

God of heavens and earth, God of east and west, the One whose Hand of Wisdom is the dominion of your world, and the One who is able to do anything. The Creator when whose will commands to anything stating: "Be", immediately it comes to existence.

And most of you people are not aware of this fact, and do not know your God well. You are so much involved with your worldly life and so much wandered after your far dreams and so empty of the meaning of being a human that you don’t recognize your image in the mirror. Where did you come from? What for you came in this world? And where are you going at last?

More astray than animals, you are so busy grazing in your animality. And so childly like children, among your various playthings, you are so used to your ignorance. Some of you are giving an exam, thinking of the cake and fruit juice you'll be offered, or perhaps your eyes are looking after other's shares. And some, a little farther, are fast asleep.  But soon enough the angle of death will proclaim: the time is over!

Do not always go after best grades! (There are more important things in life)

Your life smacks of guns and wars, novels of bombs and kids, and stories of roofs and ruins.

 Your life is filled with cruelty, lies, rancour, hypocrisy, deceit, distrust, and betraying of God.

When a misfortune touches you, to Me you seek refuge invokingly. But once I removed the harm from you, you set yourselves free of Me.

When you are saying prayers, I listen to you as if you were the only creature I've ever had. But to you it's as if you had several gods!

You are so proud of your little knowledge, while your ignorance is much more than what you know. When a disaster falls upon you, you say: "it's from God". But if you achieve a success,   you say with pride: "I have done it on my own!" I am never cruel to you, but this is you who do wrong to yourselves.

O people! Verily, I am your great God,

And The absolute Knower of unseen and the visible. I see all your faults at any moments. Do not you know that I observe? But I am also the One who glosses over men's fault.

Would you like Me to upload these filthy scenes in the net of other's gaze? Why do you behave like this? Why don't you let the absolute knower of the secrets and the visible, the one who is aware of your hearts, judge what's true? Woe to you!

Be aware that I have pronounced the Ultimatum; I sent you messengers from among yourselves to guide you but yet a few of you believe. I need neither your belief nor your heresy, so think of yourself (whatever you do either avails or harms only you and not Me).

My promise will be surly fulfilled and soon enough you will meet with your Account. On that Day, every one's deeds will become manifest in front of them and that alone suffices to judge.

If it wasn't for the prayers of some chosen men in your time, and if it wasn't for a few piouses among you, who are like the firm pillars of your world, a painful Torment would fall upon all of you!

You will be respited till the Day of Doom. Till then perhaps you will be guided to the Straight Path and return to His way who is the most Merciful, to those who earn their way to their Lord's good Graces.

Your Great God

 The original Persian text: http://www.persianblog.com/posts/?weblog=hkhakestari.persianblog.com&postid=5919727 

Translated by Narcis April 29^th  

to vent my frustrations

I'm angry. I'm fed up of this life I'm living. Nothing is going to my way. Every time I want something I have to see whether people agree or not, whether they allow me or not. Ah ah ah, screw this life, I hate it. When it comes to theatre the whole world want me to stop and go no further, talk no more. When it comes to **** God doesn’t want to give it to me. When it comes to having an ordinary marriage, I have to tolerate every thing and bear up with thousands of difficult situations hubby is making for me (not on purpose of course). It's been almost 5 years that we are together and not a single day I have spent without stress. What is it God? How long I have to go on like this? How long you are going to give me miseries and want me thank you for that????!!!! Our 3 years of engagement was all separation. He was studying at universities of Mashhad and Yazd (you couldn’t send him farther, right?). And now this never-ending serving of army and loss of everything is making me suffer every single moment of everyday. Don’t I have a right to breathe in this world you said you created for mankind???? Don't I have the right to decide which way to go and what to do for my life? What is my problem? You know too well what my problem is. Yes, yes I'm still a baby who cries for the things she can't get. Yes I'm angry that hubby didn't let me go with my friends. They have booked for flight and hotel and everything and they are going to have fun and I'm gonna sit here and spend every single moment of every day of this life of misery with loneliness! You love doing this to me right? I know you enjoy doing it to me. I have a good mind to make a ruin out of this house to show you how I hate you all, to tell you how you all are so cruel and selfish. Yes, yes you are cruel too. Oh please don’t call yourself kind or whatever. I know who you really are. I know how you torment you slaves and want them to thank you for that. Leave me alone, I'm much better off without you!

I'm nobody

April 18^th

I don’t wanna be your little bird

My university friends (about 15 people I guess) have planned to go on a 3-day trip to "Kish" another two weeks. Every one is so excited about this; after all it’s the first and the last trip they are ever going on together. It's kinda their graduation celebration too. I don’t use "we" because hubby thinks I shouldn't go with them:" I can't let you go all by yourself (hey I'm not a baby in arms ok, I'm 21. and no for your information, I'm not all by myself, there are gonna be about other 15 people with me). You are my little bird, what if your little wings get broken! (…….)

So this is it. I'm not going for hubby thinks I'm his little bird who can't take care of herself, whose wings will definitely get broken if he is not around. But it seems her heart doesn’t break if he keeps her in the house. She will definitely feel happy when she sees he doesn’t have time for her, when all he focuses on is his work and work and work and not his little bird, when she has to bear up with the situation till every thing comes back to normal after one thousand year, when with all these she doesn’t deserve to enjoy herself with her friends.

Me: "but…I really wanna go with them…I may not get to even see them ever after graduation…I've never left u alone (while u have)…and besides I've never gone to Kish"

Him:"………"

Me: "you don't want me to go, right?"

Him: "please, I want us to go together"

Me:"……….."

I remembered what my teacher said the day before: "women can not have the last word as long as men are around!"

And I remembered what I said: "that's not true; in our house I must always have the last word (otherwise I make a night out of hubby's day)"

Him: "we will go to Kish together, I promise"

Me:"………..."

Narcis

April 17^th  

the secret is revealed

I'm sorry I haven’t posted for a while. Don’t worry about me. I'm alright; still breathing here. Well, it was because there wasn’t any thing special to tell before. And now that I'm writing this, I just wanna write a quickie about what I got through in the past two days. They were one of those terrible days I have ever experienced.

See, hubby and I have kept a secret for a year. It was very important for both of us to keep others in dark about it (of course excluding our parents). But my dear mother in-law sat and told her sister in-law (her brother's wife) about it,  asking her to promise not to breath it with any one of course. After all who could reveal a secret without asking that ! But this faithful sister in-law of her couldn't hold her tongue and told her two daughters and her two daughters went out and told every one about it. Now my whole in-laws know about it as it seems. So it's no secret to any one now and I'm screwed!

There is this cousin of hubby who is kinda intimated with me. So she came over the other night with her hubby and lovely son, and told me about what happened. I swear I would bomb my head to the wall if they weren’t there. I did my best not to scream or cry in their presence. But I did pretty good job on shouting and crying when they were gone. I'm afraid if I'd woken up my neighbors, because I was screaming and calling names really loudly and poor hubby just couldn’t do any thing about it. I went out of control and broke things too. I had a good mind calling his mom and tell her how stupid she was for trusting such a big-mouthed person (don’t tell hubby about what I called his mom!) but hubby didn’t let me. He promised to talk to her the next day. And he did. And to my great surprise she said she had no idea it was that important for me to keep others in dark about it otherwise she wouldn’t tell it to her.(you see she really deserved to be called stupid)so it was me the past two days: crying and cursing.

You should have seen my eyes, my goodness they were so puffy that I could hardly opened them. Today, mummy talked to me and said they would finally know about it some day and that it's no big deal so I shouldn't bother myself so much about this and so on and so forth. So I'm feeling better now. But still I can't forgive my mother in law and her mean sister in-law.

I know that hubby's mom is never mean; she is just…umm…very simple-minded you know. That's the only thing I hate about her; otherwise she has a very kind heart and is so god-fearing, so she never hurts any one on purpose. So I may forgive her as time goes on. But I can hardly forgive hubby's aunt for what she has done.

Sorry I know it was supposed to be just a quickie.

Narcis

April 8^th

some news about our little Goldilocks

The big party was not held in my house! Mom believed my house was not big enough to for 50guests!

Me: it's not big??!! Come on mom, you see how big my house is. How can you say it's small?

Her: I'm not saying it's small. It is big, but not for 50 guests to sit comfortably.By the way serving 50 guests is too much for you to handle. It's still too soon for you, you are not that much experienced in holding partiesso i think the party must be held in our house!

Me: but mom…I would love to have the whole family in my house…please……."

Yes, I was (forced to be) convinced that it was better that the party was held in mom's house. In one way I was happy about it --> I wouldn’t have to serve that lady of grace, uncle's new bride.

I went to help mom around noon and the whole time the new member of the family was on my mind: "how does she look like? Uh they say she is not that much pretty. But hossin (my brother) says she is lovely and kind with a cute Rashty accent. He says he loves already! Uh he is still wet behind his ear…I'd better not pay much attention to her when she is around. Uhhu I'd tell other cousins to ignore her, too. That would serve her right!" I know I was being extremely mean last night, but I couldn’t help it.

She was the only subject of gossip among my cousins. When I saw each of my cousins I would say: "Did you see uncle's little Goldilocks?"

A cousin: " oh yes…God forbids, I wonder how uncle fell for her. She is 3 years older than him!! 35 as it is said! One can easily notice the wrinkles around her eyes in the first look! Uh uncle, how could you?!!!"

Me: "noooo waaaayyy!!!!!!!"

Or

Me: "what did you call her?  I hope you didn't call her auntie??"

Another cousin: "not in a million years! I don’t think I'll ever call her… maybe just her name in case I should have to!"

Me: "same here"

 I have to confess it was a real fun seizing her up, talking behind her back and giggling!

And oh when I saw her, my goodness I was shocked for a second, couldn’t move at all. She truly looks older than my uncle! I can't believe this Miss. Granny could steal my uncle's heart so easily. And how weak was my uncle!! They both have to answer to god in the day of Doom for the wrong they did.

We are going to my cousin's house for dinner now. Every one is there again including the subject of our gossip, ha-ha.

Gotta go, hubby wants me to get ready.

I'll post it when I'm back.

The evil side of Narcis

March 30^th

 

getting invited too much

Dear Diary,

The weddings are over; the newly weds have already started their happy marriage. But I am not resting as I thought I'd be: there is parties one after another everyday and some times we are invited to two parties at the same time and that's the time hubby and I have to sit and think which one to choose to go! So it's like I still can't get a chance to spend with me, and I kinda miss myself.

Tomorrow night, hubby's uncles and aunts (on his dad's side) are invited to his parents' house for dinner. So I, like a good daughter-in-law, promised to be there beside my mother in-law and take a part in cooking! Hubby's sister and his elder bother's wife (they came over for New Year holidays from Qom) are there too, so there may not be any necessity for my presence. But after all they are my in-laws, one gotta be careful about these things; it's like a policy you know. Well, I promised to make the chicken and tomorrow I gotta be there for lunch so that I can be useful the whole afternoon.

And well, there is gonna be a big party in MY house on Thursday night. Here are my guests (all on mom's side): mom and brother, granny, aunts with their husbands and kids and all married cousins with their spouses, two of mom's uncles with their wives and children (some of them are married, so let's include their spouses and their kids too) and an aunt of mom with her family, and finally my younger uncle with his newly bride. I have to confess that I really don’t wish to see her in my house; I guess I already have a grudge against her. Wish mom hadn't invited her. *Note: my younger uncle's first marriage was a failure, and it's been a year that they got divorced. our little cousin lives with his mom now and we rarely get to see him. Just lately, we heard of uncle's marriage to this girl from "Rasht". I haven’t seen her yet, but based on evidence, my cousins and I think that she was behind the split. So although (as my brother says) she may have a cute Rashty accent and (pretend to) be nice, we, the girls, hate her already.

For food, I guess I'll make chicken, fish, "gheime", salad. I'm thinking of making soup and kebab too. But I'm not all sure about foods, so I may change the list. I'd better counsel with mom first and then fix it. wow, it's gonna be the biggest party I've ever held. I just hope every thing will be fine.

Narcis

March 28^th

sorry i can't write any longer

It's just a quickie:

Off or On?

Things randomly go up and down between me and hubby. Not a single day goes by without an argument. What's wrong, I have no clues. Maybeà I'm being so sensitive and he's being so tough on me. When we are on, it's really fine. But well…when off, things go wrong! I may shout, scream, or…well…break things too!

Busy?

My goodness, since the first day of New Year I've been busy like hell. No time to breath. I had some guests for dinner on the first day of noruz (New Year). And yesterday hubby and I visited some relatives as it is a tradition to do so in the first days of noruz.

This whole week I'll be in weddings and parties every day! Today was the start. In the afternoon, I was invited to "bardehi" party of my neighbor's daughter whose engagement party is tomorrow. Then tonight it was "hana bandan" party of my cousin in-law, whose wedding dress I worked on. And tomorrow it is this cousin in-law's wedding and tomorrow night is the engagement party. On Sunday ill be in "hana bandan" party of my own cousin (dad's sister's daughter). And on Monday it's my friend's wedding (Maryam, the one I did my project with). Finally on Tuesday it's my cousin's wedding and after that I guess I can rest.

Gotta go, it's 2:10 am. I have to sleep, tomorrow is the wedding, I don’t wanna be there with puffy eyes.

It's just narcis

March 24^th

half an hour to New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR 1386

two days before New Year

It's been nine days that I haven't written a single word in my web log. I haven’t been idle though; I have been busy (and I mean really busy) with spring cleaning. My goodness the past nine days have been the busiest days of my life. I swear Id never worked so hard nor felt so responsible to the housework much that I did in the past nine days. I would wake up early like five or six in the morning and would wash, scrub, clean and dust, and it would continue till night around eight or nine that I would faint dead! Phew hard job girl! Well, it's not all done though. I still have to disinfect and clean the bathroom and toilet and oh the yard really needs to be scrubbed. Well, I could have done them in the past two days but I've been busy with filigree working on this wedding dress of my cousin in-law, whose wedding is due Friday. I guess the dress will be done tomorrow. So, I can do the rest of my cleaning on Tuesday. This cousin in-law has come to my house the past two days and helped me working on her dress. See what I told her today:

Me: you're free on Tuesday?

Her: yeah, why?

Me: great. Then you are coming here on Tuesday to help me finish my cleaning! We will clean the bathroom and toilet and scrub the yard and will have fun!

Her: hmm…well…you know, I've just remembered I have a backache!

Me: doesn’t matter, you are still coming! You know that I'm doing you a huge favor here and if you….

Her: okkkk, I was just kidding. You know that I will help you.

Me: I know you will, you have no other way.

Her:

Me:

So everything is going fine, except things between me and hubby. Finally, his unbelievable laziness in cleaning has done its job pretty well that we have not been on speaking terms since Friday. It's not that we don’t talk at all. We do talk on some occasion but very coldly. I believe it was all his fault for he broke my heart when I asked him to help me washing the yard on Friday evening (it was very cold) and he just said he didn’t like doing it and left me so cruelly. So I talked to him so angrily (or some how rudely) and he said I'd be punished well if he does not talk to me for a week and I answered I would be happy if I don’t see him for a week so him not talking to me is no punishment but a great relief to me and its was how it happened. I don’t feel guilty about it at all because I haven’t done any thing bad. On the contrary, I think he has to apologize for his entire cruelty originating from his laziness. Well, maybe I got a bit furious and talked harshly to him but if he had helped me, none of this would happen. So I conclude that what I did served him right!

It's 1 am and my eyes are half closed. I have to wake up early in the morning. So nighty-night

Feeling good,

Narcis

March 19^th

in a pell-mell

YOU GET TOO BUSY WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONLY BUSY!

Well, I have to thoroughly clean my entire house in two weeks before the New Year comes. I have started spring cleaning the kitchen three days ago. And after three days going up and down in the kitchen, I have done only 50 percent of the job. I have only washed the walls, the floor and the curtains of the kitchen, and have cleaned the inside of refrigerator and oven and nothing more. I should bring out all the dishes from the cabinets and cupboards and then dust or, if necessary, wash them.  So I have not done one third of the job yet, while I'm sure other housewives are resting from the laborious work of spring cleaning or at least have done 90 percent of it. My goodness how hard this spring cleaning is. The house has to get cleaned from top to bottom, and as they say you shouldn’t consider it done until it's "DONE RIGHT". You have to clean and dust every little hole: dust from the ceiling fans, light fixtures, wall hangings to the chairs and tables, cupboards, or even the knick knacks. Then clean and disinfects from kitchen, bathroom, toilet, sinks and tub to mirrors and windows or even the garbage can and a thousand little work which will take a month for me to do. But any way I feel really responsible to do all of them; I don’t want to start the New Year with a house full of dust!

                                       

 Since I have been busy with the kitchen, other parts of the house seem to get uncontrollably higgledy-piggledy. Of course, it's no surprise when hubby is so much ready to make the best use of any possible indisposition in the house to make it worse by freely dropping his clothes over the floor or make a row of dirty dishes. So, right now the whole house is so messed up that I feel I'm incapable of cleaning it up at all: Curtains are all dropped in a corner (to be washed) in the hall, lots of washed and clean clothes have been on the bed for 2 days, ready to get tucked, but I don't even have time for that, and as I've said above, the kitchen is almost upside down and I'm confused which one to do first.

The job feels even harder and more tiresome when you know you have to do it all by your self and when you have a hubby like mine. I swear hubby is the laziest person in the world in doing the house chores. In fact, he almost hates to do whatever is related to the house work so it's really hard to get him help me. I would talk to him in different dear honey languages but he wouldn't move an inch till I raise my voice and start shouting and screaming:

-Me: honey, could you come here a second? I need your help.

-Him: what is it?

-Me: come here you will know (I wouldn’t tell him for I know he would never ever come if he knows why I'm calling him)

-Him: …………

-Me: I thought I asked you some thing!

-Him: ah I'm tired. How can you ask me to work in the house, too? You know what I get through in th…e wh..o..le d..a..y……(drowning in the TV with his eyes or some times his mouth wide open)

-Me: ……(waiting)

-Him: ……(watching TV, seems he has forgotten all about it)

- Me: God!! You are infuriating! For God's sake forget about that god-damned TV for a second and actually be helpful!!(Really shouting)

I guess this spring cleaning will take the whole two weeks before the New Year comes. Uh, some times I think our house is too big and it's chores too much for me to handle. Wish we had a smaller one!

Mom also has asked me to do a research paper for her (5 days ago)and interestingly the deadline is tomorrow and more interestingly I have done only one fourth of it and I don’t know what I'm gonna tell her if I have to leave her empty-handed. I can put aside the spring cleaning for a day, that’s all right with me, though bearing the mess is a bit difficult. And I'm sure mom is ready to help me cleaning the whole house if just ask her to, as she has helped me a lot in cleaning the kitchen. But the problem is that I guess I have an exam tomorrow, too, while I don't even have the book!! So today I have to photocopy my friend's book so that I know what I'm gonna answer in the paper. Well, I just hope I'm wrong and there is no exam.

And in this pell-mell, as I promised hubby's cousin to help her in filigree working on her wedding dress, I have this occupation too. The wedding is another two weeks so we have to work hard on it to have it ready at least three days before the wedding.

Any way, although  every thing is mixed up and I'm wondering which work to do first, I feel so good being busy with all these undone job and forgetting about my misery for awhile . I just hope for a day that this restless soul could finally feel free of this pain. Amen!

Narcis

March 10^th

killing me softly

This is a new chapter of my madness. Narcis is so willing to be a crazy Narcis as she always was. Being good doesn’t match her. Here is the news: she is GOING TO BE IN THEATRE.

Oh I don’t care about right or wrong anymore. I swear I'm ready to sacrifice every thing I have to get what I want. I will throw away this chador if it's going to be the sacred barrier against my dreams. I'll break dad's picture and I won't care a bit if I'm doing wrong…I'm chocking with tears. What is becoming of me? Narcis is mad. Narcis is crazy. She doesn’t understand what she is saying and doing. She is just angry and wants to get what she wants. Is it too much to ask for what you need????? She is tired. She is sad that nothing satisfies her. She is sad that she is never even gonna have a ****. She wants to full this empty spot with her dreams, and her tears prove it… One by one, one by one, they roll down her face but her fingers are too tired to wipe them away … I just can't pretend any more. I can't…

Out of every thing,

Narcis

March 7^th