sour grapes

What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do to feel better? Why can't I just get over myself and make a decision? I feel so lost inside and I don’t know what to do for my future. What am I going to be? I'm stuck between right and wrong. I don’t know which the right path is and which the wrong one is. Isn't it funny I have been given so many talents but yet I 'm doubtful which one to use? Isn't it funnier that I have been told some of my talents have not been given to me by God, but by Satan??!! Isn't funny that to me it's just the forbidden fruit which I can't eat? And isn't it funnier that would be a big lie if I ever say I don’t like the fruit? Do I really have to thank all the NICE people who proved me wrong that using my talents is a definite mistake? Or do I do the right thing if I think this is Satan's temptation if I take them as talents any way???

Ah million and million of people in this world make big decisions every day and they never bother themselves too much about all these. So why do I have to kill my spirit grieving over this?! God, why me???? Why me? They say you've got plan for every one; what is your plan for me?

I still don’t believe (or don't want to believe) that it's not my cup of tea. But the thing that FORCES me to think that I believe it is the fear I have; the fear of having a bad future, the fear of His anger. But I call my self a coward for I can't take a risk for the thing I've loved all my life.

 Oh God how my heart twinges and how my head is heavy with all these never-ending thoughts and doubts. I'm in a life of absurdity and I don’t like it. I swear I hate it.

You know, some times I think of the day of Doom, and I say If I ever die and God would want to send me to hell, I would shout at him and tell him "right or wrong, meaningful or meaningless,  I quitted what I loved all my life just for your satisfaction and for your fear. Now if you send me to that fire, I tell you I doubt in your justice!!!!!!" Is it right if think of shouting at Him for my desires???

God you are the only one so close to me. You are the only one who hears me crying, who feels me trembling, and who wipe my tears away with the thought of his mercy. I'm tired, I'm done because I don’t see any future for me and that's unbearable. Narcis without hope and joy for life is nobody, is nothing, is just an alive dead. So do help me to the right direction. Give me what I want in your own way, please please please. You know I thank you for what you have given and what have not or never may give (you know too well what I'm talking about) so do have mercy upon me in this matter. Please I know it's nothing for you to guarantee the small thing I want from you. I want to enjoy this life before I die. I want to enjoy it the way I myself do, not the way others want me to, that's not fair. If you think ******* is not good for me, show me another way, open another door, bring another candle to fire. But don’t ask me to stay in the dark when all doors are locked and when my path leads no where. Don’t tell me there is no key for I know your mercy is the key to all locked doors. Don’t tell me that there is no candle for I know you yourself are the light to every thing. Don’t tell me there is no way out for I know you are the way yourself. Give joy back to me, show me a way, and tell me what to do. I don’t want other's advice, I want yours. I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to tell me there is future for me; that there is light, joy, and satisfaction. Show me a ray of hope before I go insane and do what I (or Satan, not sure) do what you may not like.

Two inches before absurdity,

Narcis

March 5^th

on love

  This is some part of the novel "The Prophet" by KHalil Gibram. Here is the main character's speach, Almustafa, on Love, hope you enjoy it:

  Then said Almitra, speak to us of Love.

     And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

     When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.       

     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

      Though the sword hidden among his opinions may wound you.

     And when he speaks to you believe in him,

     Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

     For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.      Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

     Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun.

     So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

     He threshes you to make you naked.

     He sifts you to free you from your husks. 

     He grinds you to whiteness.

     He kneads you until you are pliant;

     And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

     All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

     But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

     Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

     Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

     Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

     Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

     For love is sufficient unto love.

     When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."

     And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.     

     But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

     To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

     To know the pain of too much tenderness.

     To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

     To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

     To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

     To return home at eventide with gratitude;

     And then to sleep with prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Narcis

March 3^rd   

the diary of the week 2

Then hubby and I went to "Jamkaran" and performed our sunset prayers in the holy mosque. 

The dinner was set in a cousin-in-law's house. As my brother in-laws were invited too, again, we had the comedy scene of the younger's boast about his plans for marriage and the elder's frown as a sign of disapproval over what he was saying and our burst of laugh. It was funny that he had a kind of imaginary wife sitting next to him who he would talk to or even would offer foods to!!! The poor boy is going insane, it seems. Though if you look at it psychologically, you may have the idea that it's mostly to get attention from his loved-ones (for he doesn’t have any one, as a LOVER, to shower him with affection, attention and love). Of course this is just my idea and may not be true. Any way, as hubby's dad strongly believes, we have got to let him be free when he is among the family, so he wouldn’t talk about marriage with strangers and that’s to prevent the possible coming unwelcome(to the family)advices! If he knows we welcome him with open arms when he is talking about whatever he wants, he wouldn’t be willing to choose strangers as his prior and best friends to talk with about private and important matters. Good policy hu?

The next morning was the time we had left our lovely hosts to our next destination "Tehran". Hubby needed to buy some stuff(I don’t know what they were, some machine tools maybe) which would take like 3 or 4 hours to get and that'd mean I had to walk after him every where he went  which was impossible for me to do in a crowded and polluted city as Tehran is. Therefore, I decided to spend some hours in the tomb of "Imam Khomeini" on my own and then to take the subway to see hubby in some other spots. Well, that was an experience!

I had some shopping in Tehran, too. I bought these three books: "The Prophet" by Gibram Khalil, "Second Life" a true story by Stephani Cook and a definite happy ending love story for leisure times "In the Market" by Day Leclair.  The first is going to be the subject of my term project in my "an approach to Islamic texts" course. The second was chosen because it is written in a form of diary and I thought might help me in writing my diaries. And I picked up the last one for its American daily-use slang and expressions.

That night, we were guests to a friend of hubby(from Mashad University). He was single, and outwardly and inwardly really good. The first thing I noticed about him was his being too neat as a single man! Believe me if I wasn’t sure he was single, I would swear he had a wife to do the house chores. You see hubby is a very good-natured man, no doubt about it, but it freaks me out when I always have to run after him to get what he drops on the floor! And this is the case with most men. You may say that there are many neat men in the world. Well, sure there are, I don’t deny it, but this friend was a real exception for I've never seen any Single man who could decorate his house with such a good taste and most importantly  who could keep it very clean though he had to work from 7 am to 9 or 10 pm! Any single girls ready to get married? Lol lol…

Our next destination was "Qazvin" (where we stayed a day) to another friend's house; they were roommates (the other was my cousin-in-law's late husband) when they used to study in Yazd University. Well, this one was single, too. But since his parent's house was far from the center of the city he took us to his brother's house. I never thought I would be so comfortable in some one's house that I saw for the first time. The host and the hostess were both kind-hearted and good-natured. They had two children: the 10-year-old daughter Kimia and the cute 3 or 4-year-old son Amir Hossein. He was too cute not to bite! I wish I could.

In our way back home on Tuesday, a tragic event spoiled all our happiness. We hadn't passed the snowy mountains that we got stuck in a traffic which was due to an accident which happened some minutes before we came by. As our car could move on a bit, we could see a camion and near it there laid an unconscious young man on the ground, his face all covered with blood, and in the other side a "Pride"(the victim's car) all demolished in the driver side which all informed us of the terrible accident which had just occurred. We were told that it was the Pride's driver's fault for he was driving too fast. Alas that man never learns! The victim was still alive and the people were asking each car if they could take him to the nearest hospital, but it seemed not one had time for it! There came our turn and a man asked us: "would you please take him to the hospital?"

-hubby: "I'm afraid not, we have a long way to go, we can't..."

-"no please, we can take him!" I begged him as I had tears in eyes after witnessing such a terrible sight. I knew he could have been a husband, a father, or a close friend, and of course the son of two painstaking parents. I didn’t want his family to experience what my in-laws got through! The thing I love most about hubby is that he never contradicts with me in crucial moments. Well, yes, we took him to a hospital with another man companying us so that he could stay with the victim at the hospital and that we could continue our way back home. Thought it was like a dagger that stabbed my heart to see the man with his bloody face and curls so closely (it was the first time I witnessed such a thing), it was a good feeling saving a man's life. Now I just hope and pray he is alive and healthy back to his family and friends, and that he keeps this phrase in mind that "NEVER DRIVE FAST".

It's been more than a week that I came home but I'm just too busy with house chores(mostly) and university classes and lots of things that pop up every day that I can't get to write a word in my web log to let my friends know that yes I'm still breathing. This is what my long absent made master to send me:

Hey, Narcis, tsup? Everybody is asking me what happened to the web log, my answer is "DON’T KNOW". Say, you've got lots of fans, eh? Do sth for them pls.

Well, I really didn't think I had "lots of fans". I'm wondering why my fans don’t hearten me up with their kind comments so that I get encouraged to write more and more. Wish they could leave a short comment saying "hello, is any one there??" but Master was the only one, except my blogger friends, who left me a really really long msg. I know it's been more than fifteen days that my web log is not the active one it used to be before. I really want to do all the things I used to do before going on the trip, but it's like the trip had changed me to a more responsible person. Can any one believe Narcis can be a responsible person ever??!! I myself doubt!

Back after a long time, Narcis

March 1^st

the diary of the week 1

It was last Thursday that hubby came home with a good news: "I've taken off my duty at the garrison for 4 days." That was what we had been waiting for and what we really needed. So we planed for a 5-day- trip from Friday up to Tuesday.  We moved on Friday morning, with our own car, to our first destination "Qom"(the city of priests I call) where many of his cousins (mostly married) and both his brothers stay and going to be priests. Well, it should be mentioned that hubby is from a veryyy religious family. I guess most of our country needs for having more priests have been really fulfilled by my in-laws! lol, just kidding. But still it can be a true fact for most of their sons are going to be priests and most of their daughters are married to young priests.

Now about hubbie's brothers: his older brother is married for 5 or 6 years and lives with his wife in a rent house, and the younger (who is 6 months younger than me) in spite of his insistence on getting married as soon as possible,  is single and naturally stays in a dormitory. Well, the family thinks it's too soon for him to get married though I guess they are looking for a bride for him.

Any way, in spite of our parents great worries about hubby's usual style of driving (which is really fast and with a high possibility of having an accident), to my great surprise he had driven really good and carefully. The whole way I would tell him: "honey, I'm so proud of you driving like this, you know I never thought you would be ever able of driving so carefully! I'm so happy that finally I could sit in a car with you without actually getting a heart attack…hahahaha…oh sweety…watch out that car….no, you are getting so close to it…hey  stop it ok?...now you are scaring me to death…noooooooo (screaming).

In our way, we stopped "to witness some phenomena insight" and to appreciate the beauty of it and also to click some pictures of the view. It was all covered with snow and for us who rarely get snow in our home town it was such a beauty or better say a real wow. Here is a picture of me in the snow. I'm cleaning my boot off of snow.

Please don’t save the picture, I trust you on your honor

لطفا این عکس را ذخیره نفرمایید.

We arrived Qom around dinner time. My sister-in-law had made macaroni (my favorite food). At dinner, my younger brother in law made us laugh to stitches talking about his plans for marriage and about how he is gonna treat his bride!

My sister in-law and I stayed up till late in the midnight talking about any thing and every thing. Some times we couldn’t take our breath laughing so much.

The next morning, we visited the sacred mausoleum of lady Ma'someh (peace be upon her). And for launch, we were invited to my high school closest friend's house. It was so good being with her talking and giggling while our hubbies were taking a nap after launch. Finally we had to leave each other with sorrows of separation and hope of our next visit.

To be continued…

Narcis

Feb 25^th  

I'll be back soon

I have a lot to write but I'm not feeling like. I've been really trying to take up my pen get to the keyboard and type some paragraphs in my web log, but I couldn’t. I'll be back when I'm feeling better and tell you all happened.

Narcis

Come live in my heart and pay no rent

It was the day of love, it was Valentine's Day, but I didn’t spend it in how most of the lovers in the world might have spent it. It didn't feel like a special day, it was just like other days. My lover wasn’t around to take me out. He didn’t buy me a gift. To be perfectly honest, he didn’t even know it was valentine (I doubt if he knows how to spell valentine!). You may think that I'm all down about it, but actually I'm not. How can I be sad when I can swear there are thousands and thousands of women like me who really didn't have a happy Valentine's Day? Well, mine wasn’t a bad day, but it wasn't any memorable, either. So I'm not sad about it, at least not that much I am supposed to be. It's ok. I understand my situation and I am not willing to complain. No, I don’t complain, I won't complain. In fact, I'm happy. I'm happy and grateful for all God has given to me. I'm happy that I have a lover man like hubby. I'm happy that I have a heart to love him. I'm happy that though we are going through lots of difficulties, together we carry each burden and stand tall more that ever.  I'm happy that we taste the difficulties with the sweetness of our love. I'm happy that we live our life on the currency of our young love. I'm happy, though he doesn’t have time to celebrate the  valentine with me, he does not need time to value me and love me. I'm happy because all I say ends in our love. I'm happy because I'm happy. I'm happy because I'm in love. I'm happy because one day is not enough to celebrate my love. I'm happy because I celebrate it every day, every hour, every minute and every moment. And I'm happy because "We loved with a love that was more than love."

Happy Narcis

Feb 14^th  

it's the day of the Doom

It’s the day of Doom…

I see only insides… devilish and angelic…there is no jewelry, no appearance… suddenly it strikes me that I need a mirror!

I see Lord…He is judging people…one by one…one by one…

"Narcis, it's your turn now", He calls aloud.

I walk timidly towards him…I know what I have done and what I haven't…

"Come closer", He calls.

I do…

He looks into my eyes.

And I'm wondering what he may say…

Heaven or Hell…

-"Where do you think you should go?" He asks.

-"I know what I have done and what I haven't, Lord…"

-"Then walk to Hell"

-"Is it because I neglected my prayers for the worldly occupations?"

-"You think I'm not merciful?"

-"Indeed you are…then is it because of the greatest sin of my life I used to do for some years?? "

-"Didn’t you repent and ask my pardon?"

-"Truly I did… so is it because…"

He interrupts "it's because I don’t see my love in your eyes!"

-"no love in my eyes? But I always loved you, Lord. I asked your help in every difficulty and thanked you for the happiness you gave me. I used to write letters to you and talk to you in my solitude. You were always the kindest to me and I tried to be grateful for that. It was just my way of expressing love and I thought you might like it. I really didn’t know any other way to show you my love and my gratitude. Didn't you like my letters?"

-"I did."

-"Then what is it that you want to send me to Hell? What is it that deprives me of your mercy? What have I done that I don’t deserve to be by your side? Do tell me!"

-"you loved your dreams more than Me. You couldn’t miss them for My love. You never realized that when you were weeping for them, I was waiting for you to ask for my love. You broke my heart when you worked hard only for your worldly dreams. Didn’t you ever dream of me?"

I have nothing to say…I realize my sin…how can I justify it?...a tear rolls down my face and He observes it.

-"Lord, I love you…I go to Hell. But please promise to be with me when I'm suffering. I'm used to call you when I'm suffering. Tell your angels that they don't need to fling me to that free flame of fire. I go myself. Just let me look at you for a while…please…please" I say with pain and tears.

Angels fly away from me at His hint.

 And after awhile the time is over…

Narcis

Feb 13^th

changing the design again

Wow this is better now, I love pick. I really couldn’t tolerate that black color all over my writings. I don’t care if hubby frowns at it again. It is my web log not his! I think I have the right to feel comfortable in my own web log. If he doesn’t like this design, he can go and make one for himself which has a pussycat on it! I don’t understand what should be wrong with that angel baby on the top? Some times I feel like I don’t understand him. Never mind.

Satisfied with this design,

Narcis

Feb 12^th

a new design for my weblog

I have a lot to tell today, but yet I'm very sleepy; I should have written earlier but things kept popping up.

I woke up at 6:30(I sleep and get up very early when my sss is back to normal) and have been busy till now: I had some guests for launch today (mom, my bother, granny, and a cousin) and guess what? I made "gheime" for the first time! I've finally learnt how to make it, ha I thought it would be very difficult but it's just the food itself that makes one think how laborious it might be to cook it, while on the contrary it is as easy as to cook soup! Oh I'm determined to learn all our national food. Mom says I'm a good cook (of course if I know any thing to cook, lol).

As you see I have a new design for my web log. I happened to get some design formats, all lovely and beautiful. It was really hard to choose one among them. But after testing all of them on my web log, and also consulting with hubby, I chose this one. I just hope you like it. But, as master says the pale pink or pale orange would do better. I agree with him for two reasons: first, I, too, like pink better. Second, my eyes are not very comfortable with black. But there were some problems which I had to pick up this one. First, most of them seemed to not fit my web log or better say my web log seemed to be a little big for them (I don’t know why) so every thing was just mixed up. Second, they had some pictures on the top, like the one you see on my calendar in the left, which hubby told me while he was frowning: "these are improper to be on your  web log!" Though I really didn’t think so and told him "these are just pictures and having them doesn’t mean any thing, what you say proves nothing but your insensible prejudice" I changed them and put this one like a good and obedient wife (after a slight fight of course). Any way, beside its color, I like this one. Well, I send a msg to the designer and asked him if there is any possibility of changing the color. I'm waiting for his reply and as soon as I get the information, you will see the changes. By the way I could finally change the comment item to English; you can see it as "Feedback" under each post now.

Master sent me a slang dictionary software through mail. I haven’t downloaded it yet; I will do it tomorrow and unzip it with 7zip he also sent to my mail. Oh oh he sent two pictures of him, too. I'm going to put a picture of him here so that you all can see my Master.

Here is a poem by my friend Michelle (skin_Essays) which I felt so close to my feelings the days I was mournful for theatre. Oh did I say WAS?? Does it mean that I AM NOT any more?? Any way, she has got more poems in her web log; I haven’t read all but from some that I read I know she is good at it. I hope you will like it too:

Here I stand with every thing to lose

The decision mine to choose

Veins stand out so bright

The blade I want to use tonight

There goes my life, my hopes, my dreams

All I can think about is myself it seems

Will I choose wrong or right

Close my eyes and do it tonight

Or save it for tomorrow

When all I'll feel is sorrow

What do I do when I am so confused

And I have every thing to lose

Its time to face the truth

I'll never be good enough and here's the proof

Sara sent this sms todayè a good friend is like a computer: "ENTERS" your life, "SAVES" you in her heart, "FORMATES" your problems, And never "DELETES" you from her memory.

Oh before I forget, the new and actually my last term starts tomorrow. i hope I will be more careful about my studies this term.

I'm so sleepy, can't be on this any longer.

Good night

Narcis

Feb 11^th

ohmy god

Oh my god what have I done? i just checked  the comment box, and I realized the send bottom does not work. Then that's why it's been days I have got haven't received any msgs in here…That’s why skin_essays had trouble sending me comments…..ok its ok now…now you can send ur comments to me, im so sorry about it, I should have realized it earlier…thanx

the meeting

I've come back home from the meeting. There is a lot I want to say about it that I don’t know where to start, so I'm not going to put it into so much detail. It was so good seeing Master and my friends specially Sara(looking as fashionable as possible) and Atefeh(a classmate at university whom I had the least expectation, but was quite excited, to see) and finally Mehrasa. Mehrasa was just as I thought she would be:  you know there is some thing about this girl that attracts me so much; I don’t know…it must be some sort of affection or honesty in her eyes or in her voice. It may sound hypocritical but I could even feel it through her emails.

 Master's speech was as great as ever. He always has some hints to awaken me and to make me realize the existence of life more and more. He offered two questions (or better say two topics of discussion) and asked every one of us to answer it. Oh I did say some thing…but…well…what I was afraid of finally happened: I knew I lost the gift(the art of talking) and I just proved it to me and Master when I opened my mouth…dang it. My goodness, where all those grammatical mistakes came from??!! Ah ah ah. I wish I hadn’t talked at all, its eating me alive now, ah. Well, It's ok Narcis, it's over now, and there is nothing you can do about it. But you should promise to work on your speaking more and more, you've got to be better, ok?... Good girl!

Oh Master have talked about theatre too (I'd better mention that he has always opposed the idea of me going to theatre). He was talking to the whole class but I knew he was indirectly talking to me. He also read some passage about life which was so beautiful. I guess he wrote it himself, though he said he got it from some where (where exactly I wasn’t informed) but as he was denying I think I could hear his eyes telling me "of course I wrote it, how many people you know around you who can write such a thing." Since I couldn’t miss such a thing, I asked him to send it to my email: poor Master had to type it all and send it to me (thanks master). I told him that I would have it as gift from him in my web log. I want you all to read it and tell me what you think of it, I'm sure you will agree with me that it’s the best thing ever said about life:

What's LIFE?
Life is life. It is impossible to capture in words the feelings I have for life. They are the strongest feelings that I have ever had about anything. yet when I try to tell you them or try to write them to you, the words do not even begin to touch the deepest part and point of my feelings, and though I cannot explain the essence of these feelings, I can tell you what I feel like, when I am with it and live the whole life!
it is as if I were a bird flying freely in the clear blue sky. life is forgiving even though it is hard to forget; holding hands and never wanting to let go; hoping that tomorrow will be as wonderful as today; sharing secrets and whispers, and star-spangled nights, followed by beautiful sunny days, and most importantly, knowing that you will never be lonely again.
life is to see with another's eyes, to hear with another's ears, to hear someone calling for help; to be two, three, million, billion, and yet "ONE" .life is to be prepared at any moment for sacrifice, being happy for the other person when they are happy, being sad for the person when they are sad, being together in good and bad times, being honest with yourself and people at all times, telling, listening, respecting, and shouting the truth.
Life is an understanding that is so complete that you feel as if you are a part of the other person, accepting the other person just the way they are. Life is excitement of planning things together and doing things together. Life is "HERE AND NOW ".for God, love is the source of life, but for human, life is the source of love. life is the anger of the storm, the calm in the rainbow, the beauty of the world, the look of a baby at you; giving and taking in a daily situation; knowing that the other person will always be with you regardless of what happens; missing them when they are away but remaining near in heart at all times.
Life is knowing and loving God and forgetting you. Life is a play and you are the sole actor of this drama. Each movement of yours is the last one, each word said by you is the last word and each act is your last act on the earth. Life is sad yet beautiful. Life is a non-stop river, a beautiful flower, and the tears of the clouds in the sky.
Life is as short as a " HELLO ' and even shorter than saying a "GOOD-BYE".

Has any one ever heard or said any thing more wonderful and beautiful than this description of life? I don’t know, it just touched me so much.

We have clicked some pictures, too; some by one of the student's camera and some by Master's mobile camera. He has sent them to my gmail just now. They look good(well not me of course, lol)I wanted to put them here but since I don’t have the permission from all the ladies of the meeting(to make them world famous)I'm sure I'm excused.

I'm sleepy. I think I'd better go to bed…wooooooooooooow. My sleep is back to normal again! I am sooo happy.

Goodnight and sweet dreams

Narcis

Feb 9^th

my worries

   It’s a beautiful rainy morning and I have not slept since I woke up around 12 o'clock for an emergency. Feeling not a bit sleepy (for I slept a lot since afternoon till then), I was all fresh to have my night spent by continuing attentively my reading of the novel by Anne Bronte; I have just finished it. I'm so excited at the happy ending of the novel after going through so much distresses and ups and downs being accompanied with the characters themselves. Anne Bronte finished it well, bless her, for if she had closed it with sorrows of the two lovers I wouldn’t forgive her for a world!

  I am going to take another novel to read, I have bought some fine ones last year at that international exhibition, among which I have only read this just- finished-novel "The Tennant of Wildfell Hall". I love reading novels, since it gives me, beside a pleasure, a better view and understanding of the world and helps me to decide better and wiser for every steps I am about to…. I don’t need to say that it improves my English as well.  Well, I have these unread novels available: "To The Lighthouse" by Virginia Woolf, "Hard Times" and "A Tale of Two Cities" both by Charles Dickens and to my friends' great surprise and greater mockery "Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn" by Mark Twain. I don’t care what other might think but I just love to read it in English though I have watched the cartoon a hundred times when I was a kid. People can say any thing but fortunately they have a little influence on my own taste of pleasure! I will let you know which I choose when I could finally do.

 Oh the meeting is tomorrow and I'm quite anxious about it. I have to confess that I feel like my speaking is not as good as it used to be since I have not practiced it much for months. Well as every one is concerned, language learning is a matter of practice and it just flies off your head if you don’t practice what you already acquired. Well, to me I have worked a lot on my English, though I'm still so far behind. I used to watch lots of movies: imitating the accent, pronunciations or even the facial expressions. I did try to improve my listening by the help of movies and music. And I can say I was some how successful at that. My writing is not bad, But speaking is some thing which you can't learn it all by your self, there must be communications, and for me the company of my friends or classmates at the English institute and at university who were some how at my level was not satisfying or better say enough to learn a lot. Therefore, I had to cling to some thing else like internet and Yahoo messenger; to me chat rooms were the only sources of connection to native speakers. I made friends with some English speakers and they did truly help me and I have seen the great improves on my speaking!

  But you know, after 3 years, yahoo has gradually lost its color to me; for, frankly, most of the people in chat rooms are not very decent and obliged to principle and politeness. I had met all kind of  people on yahoo: some were not my type or were very boring, some were very insulting, some often thought themselves free of  any boundaries and allow themselves to ask any indecent proposals which here I'm ashamed of mentioning. But yet I tolerated it all for I knew I was learning a lot. I did meet some good people like Kevin, Brandy, Dakoda, mamabear, grumpy(Cory); but since I have got my web log I scarcely open my Yahoo and its been long I haven’t talked to them.

 I like web log better for its peaceful, personal or even poetic environment. Here people don’t intend to insult. Here the connection seems so innocent. Web logs are all about feelings and thoughts, about diaries, and about different stories of humanities around the world. I love writing my own feeling and thoughts where all people can read and give me feed back. My web log satisfies my need of having some one to talk. It’s also a great chance for writing in English and learning new words. But the problem is that writing is a mute practice. It's all with my mind to create and my fingers to type and that’s all. I never utter nor hear a single word. While in chat rooms I could talk and listen to what native speakers say. If it wasn’t for me being so aggravated by the sexy and dirty talks of many idles and pucks on yahoo, I would still use it as a laboratory. Now I really am thinking of another way of practicing my speaking if possible with native speakers. If anyone has got any idea please do let me know.

My God, I have a terrible headache. I guess I'd better leave the computer and rest my eyes for a while.

Narcis

Feb 8^th

so hard to get me to sleep

I almost can't believe I'm still up and haven't closed my eyes for a second yet. Its 8:15 am and I didn’t sleep last night at all. Well, it's been three days that my sleep system has screwed up again: I sleep in the day time and am up all night. I have had this sleeping problem since I was an infant. As mom says when I was a baby I would sleep all dayand was a great trouble to her at nights(such a lazy bum as I am it must have been originated from the first days of my life, lol.) She thought I would get better as I grow up but never thought it to be continued all my life.

Well, Its not that I never sleep at nights, no but if, for example, I get some employments to do (like a new movie to watch or a novel in its interesting chapters, or even some online friends to whom I can hardly say bye before chatting a couple of hours)I stay up all night and consequently have to sleep the following day to make it up! It's funny that sometimes I feel like it’s a waste of time to sleep the night; therefore I deliberately get myself busy with any thing possible to escape the sleep! I'm crazy I know. I tell my self that Life is so beautiful and peaceful at nights and this is the only time I feel free to do anything without any creature's interruption; in this way I convince myself of my crime. Of course I get tired of this since full daytime sleep causes indisposition and sickness. Besides, I get behind my housework and studies. So I try to change it back to normal but it takes some days to be a normal person again; because when I sleep all day, I naturally don’t feel sleepy at night and this is what makes it hard to change. I have to turn it back little by little. I have to sleep less, both sleep and get up a little earlier so that finally I have it back again. My goodness, I confess that nothing is better than sleeping at night, as they say it’s the most expensive treasure any one could possess; at least I , who have sleeping problems, am aware of its price! Some times I think ill be the first one to get a "sleep cancer" if its going to be a disease ever! Its because I've got a very sensitive sleep system, oh lets call it SSS or 3S(sounds more medical now).

 

 Well, sometimes it's not all my fault that my system gets abnormal: some times I wake up for emergency which happens so often. After I'm done I can be sure my sleep is spoiled and ill be rolling in my bed all night. Or some times I wake up with a terror because of a nightmare; I remain shocked with my eyes wide open for some seconds, not even dare to move. It gets the sleep so well out of my head that I can't get myself to sleep till the next day afternoon. In this way, in spite of my attempt to preserve it, the system is changed and as I mentioned before it takes me some days to get back to normal again.

Having spoken of sleep so much, I really feel so sleepy, though I still have a lot to write in here. I just talk about some little alternations I have made in my web log and then go to bed. Well, since I have some English friends who visit in here, I have really toiled to change most of the items from Persian to English so that they don’t get confused in my web log. Well, there are still some which are left unchanged; one of them is the comment item which I really don’t know what to do with. The comment box is all in English now but not the comment item on which visitors should click to get to the box; so they don’t know how to send me their comments and I don’t get to explain to all of them how to do it. I'll ask other bloggers about it. I'd better go to bed or ill be sick.

Weary Narcis

Feb 7^th

untitled

It's a quarter to 12 pm. I'm done with the house chores, the house is all clean and tidy, the washing machine is busy and hubby is snoring. After 10 days being away from me, my computer is back, bringing a little comfort and peace to me; I think I've got addicted to this inanimate creature since I have half of my small world saved on it: my pictures, my writings,  movies and songs, and on top of all an access to internet and to my dear web log. This 2-week-holiday was entirely unbearable for me: first with Reverent Rahimian`s frank speech about the idea of me going to theatre being a real mistake of my life, then the death of our closest friend and consequently the cancellation of our trip to Qom, then the 10-day "loss" of my computer which is the only thing I refer to in my solitude. Now  that I look back, it's like I haven’t rested from my exams at all, in fact the burden feels even heavier. All these occurrences or better call them bad lucks have made me quite a wet blanket for my family and for myself: too peevish  and  sour  to bear. However, I haven’t been all idle these days; I had to have some employments or I would go straight to hell by committing suicide. Well, I've been reading a novel by Anne Bronte called "The Tennant of Wildfell Hall" which I bought in the international book exhibition last year in Tehran. It's been interesting enough to keep me busy reading it. Besides, I've learnt many things in both content and form; I've took notes of its interesting statements to be used later on in my speech or writings. Here I will write you a poem out of the novel which I liked, I hope you like it too. How well its depicts my sorrow in being forced to lose and forget theatre unwillingly

Farewell to thee!  But not farewell

    To all my fondest thoughts of thee:

Within my heart they still shall dwell;

    And they shall cheer and comfort me.

O, beautiful, and full of grace!

    If thou hadst never met mine eye,

I had not dreamed a living face

    Could fancied charms so far outvie.

If I may ne'er behold again

    That form and face, so dear to me,

Nor hear thy voice, still would I fain

    Preserve, for aye, their memory.

That voice, the magic of whose tone

    Can wake an echo in my breast,

Creating feelings that, alone,

    Can make my tranced spirit blest.

That laughing eye, whose sunny beam

    My memory would not cherish less:

And oh, that smile! Whose joyous gleam

    No mortal lanquish can express.

Adieu! But let me cherish, still,

    The hope with which I cannot part.

Contempt may wound, and coldness chill,

    But still it lingers in my heart.

And who can tell but Heaven, at last,

    May answer all my thousand prayers,

And bid the future pay the past

    With joy for anguish, smiles for tears?

Oh how much it reminds me of my grieve and mourn for biding adieu to my dearest beloved, theatre(I know you may laugh)

Mr. Tabari(Master) called up tonight  and invited me to a meeting on Friday at 4:30 in which of all his students will be present. I hope to my friends there. I msged Sara(a friend from Iran language institute, from where I know Mr.Tabari) and informed her of the meeting but as she said she is full of debilitative anxiety for her MA entrance exam which is another 26 days while a pile of unread items  is left. Therefore, she is not sure if she comes. My goodness, she is making a big deal out of it and bothering herself too much about it. Any way, she said she'd let me know if she changes her mind. And oh I hope to see Mehrasa, a favourite student of  Mr.Tabari, of whom I heard so much. as master says her English is so good. Well special thanks to master, we already talked to each other through msges and she visited my weblog once I guess and now I really hope to see her. Wish Sara could be there too for I missed her

 A little bit calmer Narcis

Feb 4^th

grumpy desperate me

Why don’t I have any mood to do any thing??? First, I don’t access to computer much since mine is broken and I have to use my brother's. Second, I'm still wondering what to do about theater and actually about my future. What I'm going to study for my MA I haven’t decided yet. No theatre no life! God help me out, little by little I'm losing interest in life, I'm veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cranky. Kinda wish to die I guess. I know I'm just writing nonsense here, what to do, I'm not feeling otherwise, and no one is helping me to feel better. They say: yep you'd better forget about theatre, it's not the place you've got to be regarding your family background. Why do they all have the same answer in their mouth, I'm stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllll wondering.

Grumpy Narcis

Feb 1^st