life changes

It's been a year and a month and half since I sent the last post. I remember those days very well. The days of sorrows and disappointments, the days of hatred I felt for my job, the days of frustrations and stagnation, and the days that I was still mourning for the loss of my father. I remember them very well. I remember how I was almost disappointed of God to show me my way. And I also remember how I gave up my piano lessens and the English discussion class I had with Master; I remember how, at nights, I used to cry silently for hours in bed with no good reason till I fell asleep and got up in the morning with puffy eyes. I do remember how broken I was because I wasn’t what I wanted of me. I was so disappointed for I didn’t get what I wanted in life. I remember very well, I remember every minute of those sad and awful days.

I also remember my turning point in life; the day my psychologist said that I was suffering from depression and that it’s my own entire fault. She said it was all because I had big ideals and dreams with little efforts to reach them. So from that day I decided to stop nagging and really do something for me and my life. So, on that day I stopped crying and finally chose my way.

In less than a month I got my driving license which hubby and mommy had pushed me to get it for more than 2 years but failed to make me do  so just because I didn’t feel like driving( well, that’s crazy, I know). Now you've gotta see me driving! You may think I'm riding a jet or something!!

Then five month later I got into ILI (Iran Language Institute), with real efforts this time. I tried to be fully concentrated and did the best I could in the entrance exam, the interview and Demo. And it's been three terms that I've been an ILI teacher. And I feel so good about it. As a matter of fact I feel so good about me now. I receive a good monthly salary with job security and all a teacher needs to feel good about her job. I have a very bright future here.

Also, I have started my piano lessons all over again. So ashamed to confess, these sessions are being spent on just remembering what I had learnt before and had forgotten carelessly.

Now after years thinking what I was born to be, I have the answer. I WAS BORN TO BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER!! You may not believe it, but when I'm in my classes I feel like I'm acting on stage. It's like theatre, I have all I want; I have all the attentions and power. Now I know what Master meant when he said theater wasn’t my cup of tea and that a class can be a better place than stage. At that time I wouldn’t believe him, I would think that he is just one of the people who didn’t understand me. Now I see that I was all wrong, because he was exactly the one who realized teaching fit me and my personality best. I'm still wondering how on earth he realized this fact, because at that time I hated teaching, and I had no desire to do so. I thought teaching English was the last thing I would do. I may ask him this one day.

Now I have to say that along with the changes I have made in my life, I have changed, too. And these changes seem to have good effect on me, my self satisfaction and my self confidence. So this is a good end for this chapter of my life. Now, more than ever, I thank God for the best way he showed me. I'm thankful to him for the right path he put me on. And I'm very grateful that he made me owe him this one too.

I wanted to talk about that blank spot and that how it was finally filled, but since this entry is getting a little long, I postpone it to some other time. Well that’s a strange story too. Just wait for it.

It's so late, I've gotta go to bed, I have classes tomorrow.

Promise to not disappear this time.

With a heart full of joy

Narcis

no title

Its yasamin's second birthday tomorrow. And I'm aging. I'm a simple 24 year old mother. I'm nothing. Or maybe I'm just a simple English teacher at some institutes with no remarkable salary which I receive at the end of the term. I'm disappointed. It's not what I wanted of me to be. It's not what I wanted for me. I'm all disappointed. I don’t paint. I scarcely play the piano since I don’t have time for that. All my life is like working and working and gaining almost nothing. I'm tired of working inside and outside with no help from nobody. I'm breaking down under all the pressure I feel on me. And I'm still alone. I'm no body. I'm no body. I'm no body. I've had big dreams for me which I wish I had never wished for them. If I had never desired big things for me, I wouldn’t have been so hapless now. I feel empty inside and at the same time I feel so much inside me; so much hatred and anger that is killing me inside. All I feel now is hatred for the job I have. Being a stupid teacher with no great salary wasn't exactly I've wished for. This damn job has affected all my life, I have no time for myself, not so much time to do the house chores, not so much energy to spend with my baby. And all I receive is nothing comparing to what I do. I'm sick and tired to death of being an English teacher. Maybe I should have chosen another field at university. Maybe I should have gone after art like painting. At least I wouldn’t be disappointed as much as I am now. God, I'm tired of thinking what I was born to do. I'm tired of thinking of the plan I thought you had for me. I don’t wanna think anymore. I don’t wanna have any dreams for me any more. And still I'm not going after art, either. I will continue this damn boring life till the day I'll die.

Narcis

some body's me

Hello, are you there? If you are, can you hear me? If you can, do you remember me as much as I remember you? I hope not! Because I don’t remember anything about you. Do you ever think about me the way I think about you? I hope so. Do you miss me as much as I miss you? I really hope so. Do you hate this distance between your world and mine? I hope you do.   

Somebody is here who has always wanted you to be here, she never wanted you to be up there in the heaven. There is somebody who needs you. This somebody wished to know how it felt to have you. There is somebody whose never-come-true childhood dream was to hold her parents’ hands and to swing as they walked. There is somebody who has always been jealous of the girls that had somebody like you. And that some body is ME. 

I need you so much, I always have. Thinking that you have never been there and that never will be torments me to death. Why can’t you be here? Sometimes I tell myself that maybe you are still alive, maybe one day you come back to me, may be it was all a big mistake that we thought you were killed in the war… I know it’s a fake hope, but what else I can do. You never come to my dreams, either. It’s very mean of you not to do so, you know. Maybe you are not mean. You might be just very busy; living with so many good people in heaven must have made your life very busy there. Well, now it doesn’t seem to be your fault.  

Your not being there has made a big spot in my heart. This empty spot is so deep that can’t be filled with any thing. I’m always thirsty of love and I can never get enough. Hubby can’t fill it, either. Or maybe he doesn’t want to. Because as he says giving me love is like giving salty water to a thirsty person!!  

Let me tell you a secret. Come on, come closer, and let me whisper it in your ear: “No body could have ever taken your place in my heart! No body could have ever been you for me” 

Always waiting for you in my dreams,

Your daughter,

Narcis.

a walk to remember

I've just finished reading my web log from the very first post to the very last one. It was like reviewing three years of my life. It was like that I reviewed all the good and bad things that I had had for three years; my happiness and sorrows, my tears and smiles. I remember all those days; the days that I used to crave and cry for theater, or the days I was so busy with my studies or the house chores overload, the days that I was on or off with hubby, the days that I was angry about many things or the days I was happy about everything. Good or bad three years of my life flitted and I got older and of course changed a lot, though some facts about me are still unchanged.

Three years ago, I was a girl who wanted to be on stage so badly and nothing in the world seemed to take its place in my heart. Now after three years, though I haven’t totally forgotten my beloved, its place is almost occupied with other things that I can seldom think about theater. It's mostly for Yasamin and my playing piano that I have peace of mind and comfort; otherwise I would be still in pain for not being on stage.

Three years ago, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t a very responsible wife (concerning the house chores). I would do the chores whenever I felt like. So most of the time nothing but the messy rooms or the pile of dirty clothes in the basket or worse of all the two sinks full of dirty dishes would finally force me to clean up the house. I should say this, too, that when I did clean the house I made it shine like the bright sun! Now I do not understand how I could see all that mess and not do anything, neither can I imagine how I could handle the full loads of my studies and the house chores at the same time. So comparing myself with those days, I see that I'm very changed. Now I can't stand a small object on the floor, or a few dirty dishes in the sink. Although my responsibilities, due to having a baby and all the classes that I have every day, are now in a wider scope, I can say my house is always clean. I clean it up twice a day or sometimes more (it happens when you have a baby and a hubby like mine). However, hubby hasn’t changed much concerning this matter; he still throws his clothes on the sofa or the floor and I have to go around the house picking up his stuff. Though he is changed from always doing so to sometimes doing so!! Well any way, that’s better than nothing.

Three years ago, some times, I was off and sometimes I was on with hubby. Even now, we have ups and downs in our relationship. Well, this is one of those unchanged facts of my life. I think it's impossible for two different people coming from different families to have always the same ideas and opinions. You know, some times I really don’t understand him. I feel he is so different from me. Or even I sometimes doubt our love whether it’s the real one or not! It may sound funny, but even now, I’m not on speaking terms with him! Ha, ha, ha. What happened? Oh, it's a Long story; let me not talk about it.

Oh, God, I’ve talked a lot. I'm very sleepy. Try to write soon

Still learning from experience,

Narcis

latest on piano

Hubby got me a piano exactly two weeks ago. You can't imagine the joy I felt when I first played my piano. I'm very thankful to him for understanding how much I needed to have it. And he seems to be content with what he has done. Beside, I've just discovered that he has always liked playing the piano!! 

Mommy, on the contrary, thinks we are both crazy. She was first so harsh about it. She even laid an embargo on visiting me. She didn’t hold back even after she realized islamically there is no problem in playing the piano. Now, after two weeks she's got a little easy on that, however, she doesn’t approve it by all means. She thinks I'm fighting with God, my beliefs and with my family's religious status. That’s what I disagree totally.

 What she says or does might show her worries about me. But I think she is worried about her own religious and social status, too. Since she was the wife of a martyred man and is now a theology teacher, her daughter having or playing the piano doesn’t seem to fit with her in some ways. I think she is afraid of what other people might think of her when they see a piano in her daughter's house. She is afraid that people might criticize her for not having brought me up well. Well, I don’t know, may be she is just worried about me, or maybe both of us. Well, even if both of us are her concerns, I don't blame her.

 Personally I don’t care about other people's opinion about me playing the piano. Because I know I'm not doing anything wrong neither socially nor islamically, so why I should be afraid or ashamed of people seeing it in my house. I'm not worried about other people's reaction when they see my piano. Everybody will get used to it so soon. Even mama will get used to it. That’s why her attitudes don't disappoint me. She doesn’t hold me back, either. Who knows maybe one day she tells me that she likes to play the piano! Though I don’t really see that coming, I think some day soon she will put aside this false non-islamic prejudice against my poor piano. And even if she never approves of it from the bottom of her heart, I hope she at least doesn’t try to discourage me with non-islamical prejudicious comments like playing a piano by a martyred man's daughter is like her fighting with God!

Time will solve it, so let it be.

Confident Narcis,

Sep 17th

feeling rejected

A scene from our bedroom:

Hubby and I were locating my new desk…

Hubby: hey don’t push it! You're gonna break it! It's not very strong, you know?!

Me: well, how would I know?

Hubby: well, you could have used your brain!!

Me: excuse me???

Hubby: you heard me!

Me: I'm sorry that I'm not as perfect as you are!

Hubby: no problem!

Me:

I hated what he said to me. He humiliated me; made me feel like a stupid one.

I don’t know what' wrong with him. He's been cold and unfriendly these days. Ergo, we seldom talk. As a matter of fact, I scarcely see him these days. This is all because he is so drowned in his work. Sometimes I hate his job!!! Or maybe I'm just being jealous!!! Am I?? I donno.

Narcis-on bad terms with hubby 

writen a week ago

piano

#I've got almost busy days, but still I think I'm not doing anything special!! Why is that so?? Why I feel like my life is being wasted away and that I'm not seizing my days???

#I'm going to a piano class. It's on Tuesdays morning at 11. It takes about half an hour for the cost of 5000 Tomans for each session. (Doesn’t it sound a little expensive??? I donno) you may not believe it, but this very half an hour makes me go the whole week. Its like I get charged and it lasts for the whole week.

*Its not easy to learn how to play a piano, it needs a lot of practice.

* These fleeting moments of learning how to play my inner melody is the best thing I've ever had.

* It feels wonderful to see one of your childhood top dreams is being fulfilled.

*mom is not content with it. It may not be right to say, but I don’t really care about her opinion concerning this matter. First, because I think I'm grown up enough to decide for myself.  And second, because I believe in what I'm doing, and I know this is what I really want. As a matter of fact, I just care about my own big smile when I go to or leave the piano class. I just care about the energy it gives me. I really don’t care about other people's opinions about me since I know if I'm going to be the best, I have to be ME!

* Special thanks to hubby for giving me support against mama's semi-harsh attitude towards my piano class.

To hubby: although I tell you this very often, but I want it to be written in here tooèèè I love you soooooooooooooo much for millions of reasons! 

The pianist-to-be,

Narcis

my failure

I cried last night, I cried from the bottom of my heart. It’s been so long that I wanted to cry. It’s been such a long time that I wanted to shed tears upon my sorrows. But every time, I'd tried so hard to refrain all those emotions. I'd tried not to  release them. I had tried so hard not to let any tears roll down my face. But at the end I failed. I failed again, as per usual

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I want to be successful, I just seem to fail every time. I just seem to disappoint everyone, especially myself. Stagnation seems to cover my whole life and I seem to be incapable of changing anything. Life is so dull, so stagnant and so absurd. It seems like no road is leading me to what I want. It’s like my dreams are very far away to reach

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired to death of not moving towards any direction, of having no way to go, of having no objectives, of having nothing important to do 

 But when I look at the people who are in a worse situation  

than I am, I realize that I have so many reasons to be thankful for. I have a nice, caring and loving husband who gives me comfort when life becomes so hard on me, the one who gives me determination when I lose my hope and trust. I have a sweet daughter whose one small smile is worth the whole world. I don’t have to worry about money; I don’t have to worry about other people's opinion about me. And at the end, I know I still have a long journey ahead. I still have a long way to go

My lord, I am asking only you to help me. I am humbly asking you to show me my way, the best way, the right path; the one which is the path of righteousness and happiness, the road that leads me to success and satisfaction.  Please help me to do my best and to be my best

I owe you my whole being. I owe you my every little happiness and joy. So, let me owe you this one, too

Your narcis

Written: about two weeks ago

happy mother's day

It was my birthday yesterday. And it’s the mother’s day today. So I’m a 23-year-old mother who deserves to be said: “happy mother’s day

God, I’m exhausted. My baby is four months another 3 days, and I feel like I’ve been bringing her up all my life. My goodness, it is terribly hard to bring up a baby. But all the mental and physical fatigue after a long day having stress and fears for the baby and doing the house chores plus the things you have to do concerning the baby, besides never-getting-much-sleep is all gone when your little angel smiles in her sleep. I guess this is how mothers make it easy to enter heaven.

I’m all happy to be a mother. I know it made me change a lot, grown up a lot, think higher, be wiser, and be a mother, a good mother. I hope I am, I really hope so.

Still a mother

Narcis

2008-06-24

and you were born in pain

You are two months and four days now

I hold you in my arms…I hold you so

 tight trying to believe that you are all mine

You cry…I hold you again and you stop crying…I feel so good…yes, surely you are mine

You are hungry…and I hold you again and I feed you…you feel good and I feel good, indeed you are mine

Two months and four days… for two months and four days you’ve been with me and I’ve been a mother (!!); for two months and four days you have been mine

I love you so so so much

You are such a big part of me

You are me

Or you are what is left of me and of

my goodness

You are so innocent, a real angel

coming from above

And above all you are mine

I love you

Your mother

Narcis

Wed, April 30, 2008

hope to hold you soon

It's 2 am…

Not feeling sleepy…

Yasamin Zahra is kicking, stretching, and turning in her little room.

She hasn’t decided to come yet!

And I'm waiting and waiting….

My due time is this coming Sunday but the doctor says if it doesn’t happen, we can wait for another one week. God, I don’t wanna wait any longer. The last 8 months passed in a twinkle of an eye, but this last month is not getting over at all. Every day of it seems like a week!!!

Everything is ready for her to come: her room, her bed, the toys and all. Wish she comes in time.

Oh, I've done the spring cleaning of the house!!! Well, I didn’t actually do it myself. I hired someone to do all the work. The house is shining like the bright sun now! I know it was a bit early to do so, but I wanted everything done and ready before the birth giving.

By the way I have two pieces of news haven’t been reported yet:

1: The first is that my brother has got engaged 4 months ago. His fiancée is such a good girl from a good family. And the most important part is that my sister-in-law and I are getting along so well. So, no need to worry about that!

2. The second and the bestà HUBBY HAS FINISHED THE MILITARY SERVICE FOR MORE THAN A MONTH NOW!!

Isn’t that so great that we are actually having an ordinary life like other people, FINALLY?

Happy Valentine,

A waiting mother,

Narcis

2008,2,14

a precious gift

Day by day I'm getting closer and closer to a new chapter of my life, to the best part of my book, the chapter of motherhood! Who could have ever thought I could be a mom too?!! A lonely girl who always wanted to cross the longest roads of never-reached dreams, is now a mother, or better say a mother-to-be. How can this girl make another creature's dreams come true while her dreams are disappearing in horizon?? They are all gone: her loneliness, her doubts and fears, her wishes and dreams, and…

I'm not sad at all. On the contrary I'm happy. I'm very very happy to be a mom. There was a time when I used to ask God to give me joy, to show me the right way; And now He has. It's been 8 months and half that He has given me all I wanted from Him. I never ask him to give me a baby. But He knew what the best was for me. He knew what could fill the emptiness inside me; He knew what could make me happy the most. He knew it all and He knew me, that's why He gave me this baby. He knew me better than I could have ever known myself! He gave me this baby to change my life, to tell me there are more important things in reality than drowsing in allusions.  He showed me the real reality, he showed me the real ME, the real Narcis, or Narcis in her best, which is Narcis being a mother. So I have it because my lord loves me, because it was time for me to wake up, to grow up and to reach Him. And I love this little creature, not because its mine, but because it's from him: A precious gift!

It’s a baby girl and we are going to name her "yasamin zahra". She is our baby, my little girl, my lovely princess, and the fruit of our love: a little bit of me, a little bit of him!

Narcis

A mother-to-be

2008/1/21

Back with a lot of little things to say

o1-Woooooooooooooow, my goodness, guess who visited my blog?? Oh come on, take a wild guess. I'm waiting …ok, I knew you were not good at guessing . Then you can have a wild look at my comment box in the previous entry… isn’t just sooooo wooooow ? I can not believe it. Kamran Najafzadeh, the top reporter of Iran has visited my web log ! Ha-haJJJ. Well, I left him , I guess, two comments or more months ago, but since he didn’t reply, I just kept on reading his stuff but not leaving any comments saying to myself that he won't bother if I do or not since he at least gets more than 700 comments for each entry!!! But now I see that he left me a comment saying that "he'd better learn English so that he can read my blogJJ!!!!"

o2- I know some of you are still waiting for my comments in your blogs or perhaps think I forgot about you all . I swear it isn’t so. As I said in the previous entry, my computer is not working properlyL; I can't click any page openL (including the comment boxes)!! It is really freaking me out but I have to wait till the end of my exams to reset it since I need my computer for my research papers. So that was it. I assure all of you that I'm checking your blogs and reading all your nice writings.

o3-remember our trip to Qom and Gazvin? And also remember our host in Gazvin? They came to Babol last Monday and obviously stayed at our house. They didn’t stay more than two days but it was so fun, specially the Tuesday lunch on the beach with Kebab!! I will put the pictures of that day later (when my computer is fixed). I will, I'm not promising moon ok? I will put all the pictures I have promised you till now in one entry one day, especially of Master.  

o4-my good friend "The Gray Man" has long ago invited me to a game to write about my dreams. But since this entry is getting long, I'll postpone it to... I promise to write about it after my exams ok. Right now, I just can't get myself on it. Even if I do, I'm not sure if it'll be a special one .

Your friend,

Narcis

Jun 10^th

stoped by to let you know

Hello everyone,

Remember my friend's trip to Kish and me how being left behind and that whose fault it was? And also remember my friend's wedding which I was invited to and that what happened that very night????

Well, the story still goes on and hubby has been such a freak ad we have been fighting every day and night that we can't go on like this any more. I just can't take it any more! So I stopped by to let you know that hubby and I are getting divorced!!!! It has to get over!!!!!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

LOL , you certainly didn't believe that mumbo jumbo, did you? LOL LOL. I'm so sorry if I gave a shock or heart attack or any thing , LOL.(you naughty girl!!)

Don’t worry! Every thing is fine; Life is good, Hubby is so sweet and I'm such an angle  and my last term classes are over and I'm waiting for exams to get started exactly another 10 days. Well, if you think that I'm studying hard and getting prepared for my exams, let me tell you that you are VERYY WRONG!! Ha ha ha .

Well, I owe you all an apology, since I kept you waiting and I haven't left you comments for a long time. I accept the first one is my fault since I swear I really couldn’t get myself on and write some thing. But the second is my computer's fault. He (he is my son, LOL) has been such a bad boy. Don’t know what's wrong; I can't click to open any windows; so I don’t get to your comment boxes. I guess it he has to be reset. I'll try to fix it soon.

Oh, I've been invited to another game (long ago); this time I'm supposed to write about my dreams!! Good topic. I'll be back with my longest dreams in the next post. So long now

Your Narcis

May 31^st

i was not allowed

May 17^th, Thursday, 11 pm:

 I'm still at home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't tell you how I hate hubby now!!

I hate him with all my heart!! 

You see, it's men's natureè you give yourself to him with all your heart and he thinks once he wins you , you are his poppet that can be moved around easily, you are his, your destiny is in his hands, your every being is depended on one single breath of his!!!!! And once you're his, you are not yours any more!!!

I hate him!

I'm so mad at him that I can stab him with a knife a thousand times!!!

Him: "what? The "hana bandan" party and wedding are both in Sari?? I can't take you there, I have work tonight and also tomorrow…no, you can't go by yourself…ok you can go tonight, but not tomorrow"

Me: "I'll go to none, happy now??"

Some minutes later……………..me -> locked my self in the bath room, I cried my eyes out.

I can't believe it. I was all ready to go to the wedding. I even had my new shoes on. I bought a new scarf and lots of other stuff for tonight. I can't believe it happened again. How long I'm gonna take it?! 

Lord, are you with men????? Aren't you with us????

Lord, I need some joy, I swear I need it. How is it possible that a husband can have absolutely no understanding of his lonely wife??!!

I'm going crazy here

May 18^th, Friday afternoon, 3:10:

I didn't go today either. Mom called several times: "your friend expects you in her wedding; your husband didn't mean that you shouldn't go at all…come on sweaty…… "

Me: "I can't go mom, I don't have the mood or the energy to get out of this bed…he knows too well how to destroy happiness in me, or how to spoil every single joy I love to have………"

Mom: "forget about him, call a taxi and go to the wedding today"

Me: "I can't go, mom".

My face is so puffy, mom, I cried a lot last night, how can I tell you this?

Narcis