still debating

I'm feeling better now; I guess I'm recovering from the depression I've had. Thank goodness I had enough faith not to commit suicide for the past 9 days have been so hard on me.

I haven’t made my decision about theatre yet; I got to debate more since whatever it is going to be, its gonna affect my life in every aspects and lead me to a way that there is no turning back. Well to be honest, all these hesitation and doubt started when I talked to Reverent Rahimian(believe it or not he has got insight, he already knows about your past , present or even your future before you open your mouth to speak). Well, he said although I love theater so much, it's not a place a girl like me should be in; a girl from a religious family, wearing full Islamic cover. He said just two years after I attend the university of Fine Art for theatre I will realize this fact and I will regret it so badly but since there will be no turning back I will have to go on and something will become of me that I never liked to be. As he was saying all these I couldn’t stop crying for I have set every thing for it and made every thing a step to reach theatre and now I was being told that I should prevent it to happen ever. I cried a lot that day; I mourn for a beloved I could never make love to. And then I cursed my life and my family situation, I stood in front of dad's picture and talked so bitterly to him.

The next day my cousin-in-law's husband(I talked about him in previous posts)had an accident and died. He was so close to us and I just couldn’t believe that he is suddenly and so easily gone. It taught me how ridiculous this life is. How people are coming and going in this world. It's like a hotel, of course not a good one; you pay a lot and get a little, less than what you deserve.

The two occurrences made me so bitter and depressed. Although I have recovered a bit, I still feel lost inside me. I have been thinking about theatre since I was4 and now every thing I've built is demolished and I am desperate. I'll keep thinking

God answers prayer in 3ways: he says YES and gives you what you want, he says WAIT and gives BETTER, he says NO and gives you THE BEST EVER

Help me out Lord, I need you more than ever, I wanna be in you path

Narcis

Jan 28^th