It was my birthday yesterday. And it’s the mother’s day today. So I’m a 23-year-old mother who deserves to be said: “happy mother’s day

God, I’m exhausted. My baby is four months another 3 days, and I feel like I’ve been bringing her up all my life. My goodness, it is terribly hard to bring up a baby. But all the mental and physical fatigue after a long day having stress and fears for the baby and doing the house chores plus the things you have to do concerning the baby, besides never-getting-much-sleep is all gone when your little angel smiles in her sleep. I guess this is how mothers make it easy to enter heaven.

I’m all happy to be a mother. I know it made me change a lot, grown up a lot, think higher, be wiser, and be a mother, a good mother. I hope I am, I really hope so.

Still a mother

Narcis

2008-06-24

You are two months and four days now

I hold you in my arms…I hold you so

 tight trying to believe that you are all mine

You cry…I hold you again and you stop crying…I feel so good…yes, surely you are mine

You are hungry…and I hold you again and I feed you…you feel good and I feel good, indeed you are mine

Two months and four days… for two months and four days you’ve been with me and I’ve been a mother (!!); for two months and four days you have been mine

I love you so so so much

You are such a big part of me

You are me

Or you are what is left of me and of

my goodness

You are so innocent, a real angel

coming from above

And above all you are mine

I love you

It's 2 am…

Not feeling sleepy…

Yasamin Zahra is kicking, stretching, and turning in her little room.

She hasn’t decided to come yet!

And I'm waiting and waiting….

My due time is this coming Sunday but the doctor says if it doesn’t happen, we can wait for another one week. God, I don’t wanna wait any longer. The last 8 months passed in a twinkle of an eye, but this last month is not getting over at all. Every day of it seems like a week!!!

Everything is ready for her to come: her room, her bed, the toys and all. Wish she comes in time.

Oh, I've done the spring cleaning of the house!!! Well, I didn’t actually do it myself. I hired someone to do all the work. The house is shining like the bright sun now! I know it was a bit early to do so, but I wanted everything done and ready before the birth giving.

By the way I have two pieces of news haven’t been reported yet:

1: The first is that my brother has got engaged 4 months ago. His fiancée is such a good girl from a good family. And the most important part is that my sister-in-law and I are getting along so well. So, no need to worry about that!

2. The second and the bestà HUBBY HAS FINISHED THE MILITARY SERVICE FOR MORE THAN A MONTH NOW!!

Isn’t that so great that we are actually having an ordinary life like other people, FINALLY?

Happy Valentine,

A waiting mother,

Narcis

2008,2,14

Day by day I'm getting closer and closer to a new chapter of my life, to the best part of my book, the chapter of motherhood! Who could have ever thought I could be a mom too?!! A lonely girl who always wanted to cross the longest roads of never-reached dreams, is now a mother, or better say a mother-to-be. How can this girl make another creature's dreams come true while her dreams are disappearing in horizon?? They are all gone: her loneliness, her doubts and fears, her wishes and dreams, and…

I'm not sad at all. On the contrary I'm happy. I'm very very happy to be a mom. There was a time when I used to ask God to give me joy, to show me the right way; And now He has. It's been 8 months and half that He has given me all I wanted from Him. I never ask him to give me a baby. But He knew what the best was for me. He knew what could fill the emptiness inside me; He knew what could make me happy the most. He knew it all and He knew me, that's why He gave me this baby. He knew me better than I could have ever known myself! He gave me this baby to change my life, to tell me there are more important things in reality than drowsing in allusions.  He showed me the real reality, he showed me the real ME, the real Narcis, or Narcis in her best, which is Narcis being a mother. So I have it because my lord loves me, because it was time for me to wake up, to grow up and to reach Him. And I love this little creature, not because its mine, but because it's from him: A precious gift!

It’s a baby girl and we are going to name her "yasamin zahra". She is our baby, my little girl, my lovely princess, and the fruit of our love: a little bit of me, a little bit of him!

Narcis

A mother-to-be

o1-Woooooooooooooow, my goodness, guess who visited my blog?? Oh come on, take a wild guess. I'm waiting …ok, I knew you were not good at guessing . Then you can have a wild look at my comment box in the previous entry… isn’t just sooooo wooooow ? I can not believe it. Kamran Najafzadeh, the top reporter of Iran has visited my web log ! Ha-haJJJ. Well, I left him , I guess, two comments or more months ago, but since he didn’t reply, I just kept on reading his stuff but not leaving any comments saying to myself that he won't bother if I do or not since he at least gets more than 700 comments for each entry!!! But now I see that he left me a comment saying that "he'd better learn English so that he can read my blogJJ!!!!"

o2- I know some of you are still waiting for my comments in your blogs or perhaps think I forgot about you all . I swear it isn’t so. As I said in the previous entry, my computer is not working properlyL; I can't click any page openL (including the comment boxes)!! It is really freaking me out but I have to wait till the end of my exams to reset it since I need my computer for my research papers. So that was it. I assure all of you that I'm checking your blogs and reading all your nice writings.

o3-remember our trip to Qom and Gazvin? And also remember our host in Gazvin? They came to Babol last Monday and obviously stayed at our house. They didn’t stay more than two days but it was so fun, specially the Tuesday lunch on the beach with Kebab!! I will put the pictures of that day later (when my computer is fixed). I will, I'm not promising moon ok? I will put all the pictures I have promised you till now in one entry one day, especially of Master.  

o4-my good friend "The Gray Man" has long ago invited me to a game to write about my dreams. But since this entry is getting long, I'll postpone it to... I promise to write about it after my exams ok. Right now, I just can't get myself on it. Even if I do, I'm not sure if it'll be a special one .

Your friend,

Narcis

Jun 10^th

Hello everyone,

Remember my friend's trip to Kish and me how being left behind and that whose fault it was? And also remember my friend's wedding which I was invited to and that what happened that very night????

Well, the story still goes on and hubby has been such a freak ad we have been fighting every day and night that we can't go on like this any more. I just can't take it any more! So I stopped by to let you know that hubby and I are getting divorced!!!! It has to get over!!!!!

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LOL , you certainly didn't believe that mumbo jumbo, did you? LOL LOL. I'm so sorry if I gave a shock or heart attack or any thing , LOL.(you naughty girl!!)

Don’t worry! Every thing is fine; Life is good, Hubby is so sweet and I'm such an angle  and my last term classes are over and I'm waiting for exams to get started exactly another 10 days. Well, if you think that I'm studying hard and getting prepared for my exams, let me tell you that you are VERYY WRONG!! Ha ha ha .

Well, I owe you all an apology, since I kept you waiting and I haven't left you comments for a long time. I accept the first one is my fault since I swear I really couldn’t get myself on and write some thing. But the second is my computer's fault. He (he is my son, LOL) has been such a bad boy. Don’t know what's wrong; I can't click to open any windows; so I don’t get to your comment boxes. I guess it he has to be reset. I'll try to fix it soon.

Oh, I've been invited to another game (long ago); this time I'm supposed to write about my dreams!! Good topic. I'll be back with my longest dreams in the next post. So long now

Your Narcis

May 31^st

May 17^th, Thursday, 11 pm:

 I'm still at home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't tell you how I hate hubby now!!

I hate him with all my heart!! 

You see, it's men's natureè you give yourself to him with all your heart and he thinks once he wins you , you are his poppet that can be moved around easily, you are his, your destiny is in his hands, your every being is depended on one single breath of his!!!!! And once you're his, you are not yours any more!!!

I hate him!

I'm so mad at him that I can stab him with a knife a thousand times!!!

Him: "what? The "hana bandan" party and wedding are both in Sari?? I can't take you there, I have work tonight and also tomorrow…no, you can't go by yourself…ok you can go tonight, but not tomorrow"

Me: "I'll go to none, happy now??"

Some minutes later……………..me -> locked my self in the bath room, I cried my eyes out.

I can't believe it. I was all ready to go to the wedding. I even had my new shoes on. I bought a new scarf and lots of other stuff for tonight. I can't believe it happened again. How long I'm gonna take it?! 

Lord, are you with men????? Aren't you with us????

Lord, I need some joy, I swear I need it. How is it possible that a husband can have absolutely no understanding of his lonely wife??!!

I'm going crazy here

May 18^th, Friday afternoon, 3:10:

I didn't go today either. Mom called several times: "your friend expects you in her wedding; your husband didn't mean that you shouldn't go at all…come on sweaty…… "

Me: "I can't go mom, I don't have the mood or the energy to get out of this bed…he knows too well how to destroy happiness in me, or how to spoil every single joy I love to have………"

Mom: "forget about him, call a taxi and go to the wedding today"

Me: "I can't go, mom".

My face is so puffy, mom, I cried a lot last night, how can I tell you this?

Narcis

Its 2 am, I reallyyyy need to sleep now. Mahsa(my university close friend) is here sleeping on bed, hubby is snoring in hall(he doesn’t really snore, poor baby), and I'm still up checking my mails while I have a long day tomorrowK.

It's finally the weekend and also my friend's wedding tomorrow (actually today, after all its 2 am!)JJ.

I have a lot to write in here, but I know if I start writing, I'll be done at 4 am with at least 8 pages of written(or typed) mumbo jumbo. So I'd rather to go and get some rest. I promise to write them later (I'm not sure if I don’t break my promise). So "Good night, good night! Parting is such a sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow"(Shakespeare) ó nighty-nightJ

Narcis

May  17^th

Friday morning

The weather has been so great. I have been a good responsible wife for A week; I feel good about it. ààà I sleep at 11 pm at night, wake up at 8 am, do my housework, play music, dance(if I have classes at UNI, then no music and dance!!!), cook, don't study, do the housework, music, dance, housework, music,…, hubby comes home from Gorgan around 5 pm, we have our lunch(??!!), hubby goes to work, I go to the yard,  watch my flowers, water them, in my room again there is music, make dinner, TV, dinner, nighty-night.    THE END…

So it is me these daysJ…………..ill be back (I can't miss this music (without dance))…..volume uuuuuuuuuppp  

Ok…J… It's a classmate's wedding this coming weekend… imagine the whole class is invited!! I guess they are gonna hold it in a big garden. That’s gonna be just wow.

I want to present a lecture on KHalil Gibran's "The Prophet" on Monday in Translation of Islamic Text class but I'm not ready for it yet. I have searched a lot on net but I have found no good articles on the subject =>the more I search the less I getL.

This is the last term and I, worse than ever, have no mood for studies. I skip most of my classes, and when I do attend them I'm unprepared!!

Ok I Gotta go, mommy and I are going to a local bazaar.

Narcis

May 11

Nothing special…feeling sick, sleep all day and night, I can't make it out of bed.

Friends came back from Kish, enjoyed it pretty much (!!!!!!!!!)

Haven' done anything special for the past couple of days. I was sick!

I don't expect anyone to leave comments here!!

Guess I badly need some English pen pal!

And ummmm…

 I've been sick

I feel ignored!

Narcis????!!!!!

May 2^nd

O people! Verily, I am your great God,

God of heavens and earth, God of east and west, the One whose Hand of Wisdom is the dominion of your world, and the One who is able to do anything. The Creator when whose will commands to anything stating: "Be", immediately it comes to existence.

And most of you people are not aware of this fact, and do not know your God well. You are so much involved with your worldly life and so much wandered after your far dreams and so empty of the meaning of being a human that you don’t recognize your image in the mirror. Where did you come from? What for you came in this world? And where are you going at last?

More astray than animals, you are so busy grazing in your animality. And so childly like children, among your various playthings, you are so used to your ignorance. Some of you are giving an exam, thinking of the cake and fruit juice you'll be offered, or perhaps your eyes are looking after other's shares. And some, a little farther, are fast asleep.  But soon enough the angle of death will proclaim: the time is over!

Do not always go after best grades! (There are more important things in life)

Your life smacks of guns and wars, novels of bombs and kids, and stories of roofs and ruins.

 Your life is filled with cruelty, lies, rancour, hypocrisy, deceit, distrust, and betraying of God.

When a misfortune touches you, to Me you seek refuge invokingly. But once I removed the harm from you, you set yourselves free of Me.

When you are saying prayers, I listen to you as if you were the only creature I've ever had. But to you it's as if you had several gods!

You are so proud of your little knowledge, while your ignorance is much more than what you know. When a disaster falls upon you, you say: "it's from God". But if you achieve a success,   you say with pride: "I have done it on my own!" I am never cruel to you, but this is you who do wrong to yourselves.

O people! Verily, I am your great God,

And The absolute Knower of unseen and the visible. I see all your faults at any moments. Do not you know that I observe? But I am also the One who glosses over men's fault.

Would you like Me to upload these filthy scenes in the net of other's gaze? Why do you behave like this? Why don't you let the absolute knower of the secrets and the visible, the one who is aware of your hearts, judge what's true? Woe to you!

Be aware that I have pronounced the Ultimatum; I sent you messengers from among yourselves to guide you but yet a few of you believe. I need neither your belief nor your heresy, so think of yourself (whatever you do either avails or harms only you and not Me).

My promise will be surly fulfilled and soon enough you will meet with your Account. On that Day, every one's deeds will become manifest in front of them and that alone suffices to judge.

If it wasn't for the prayers of some chosen men in your time, and if it wasn't for a few piouses among you, who are like the firm pillars of your world, a painful Torment would fall upon all of you!

You will be respited till the Day of Doom. Till then perhaps you will be guided to the Straight Path and return to His way who is the most Merciful, to those who earn their way to their Lord's good Graces.

Your Great God

 The original Persian text: http://www.persianblog.com/posts/?weblog=hkhakestari.persianblog.com&postid=5919727 

Translated by Narcis April 29^th  

I'm angry. I'm fed up of this life I'm living. Nothing is going to my way. Every time I want something I have to see whether people agree or not, whether they allow me or not. Ah ah ah, screw this life, I hate it. When it comes to theatre the whole world want me to stop and go no further, talk no more. When it comes to **** God doesn’t want to give it to me. When it comes to having an ordinary marriage, I have to tolerate every thing and bear up with thousands of difficult situations hubby is making for me (not on purpose of course). It's been almost 5 years that we are together and not a single day I have spent without stress. What is it God? How long I have to go on like this? How long you are going to give me miseries and want me thank you for that????!!!! Our 3 years of engagement was all separation. He was studying at universities of Mashhad and Yazd (you couldn’t send him farther, right?). And now this never-ending serving of army and loss of everything is making me suffer every single moment of everyday. Don’t I have a right to breathe in this world you said you created for mankind???? Don't I have the right to decide which way to go and what to do for my life? What is my problem? You know too well what my problem is. Yes, yes I'm still a baby who cries for the things she can't get. Yes I'm angry that hubby didn't let me go with my friends. They have booked for flight and hotel and everything and they are going to have fun and I'm gonna sit here and spend every single moment of every day of this life of misery with loneliness! You love doing this to me right? I know you enjoy doing it to me. I have a good mind to make a ruin out of this house to show you how I hate you all, to tell you how you all are so cruel and selfish. Yes, yes you are cruel too. Oh please don’t call yourself kind or whatever. I know who you really are. I know how you torment you slaves and want them to thank you for that. Leave me alone, I'm much better off without you!

I'm nobody

April 18^th

My university friends (about 15 people I guess) have planned to go on a 3-day trip to "Kish" another two weeks. Every one is so excited about this; after all it’s the first and the last trip they are ever going on together. It's kinda their graduation celebration too. I don’t use "we" because hubby thinks I shouldn't go with them:" I can't let you go all by yourself (hey I'm not a baby in arms ok, I'm 21. and no for your information, I'm not all by myself, there are gonna be about other 15 people with me). You are my little bird, what if your little wings get broken! (…….)

So this is it. I'm not going for hubby thinks I'm his little bird who can't take care of herself, whose wings will definitely get broken if he is not around. But it seems her heart doesn’t break if he keeps her in the house. She will definitely feel happy when she sees he doesn’t have time for her, when all he focuses on is his work and work and work and not his little bird, when she has to bear up with the situation till every thing comes back to normal after one thousand year, when with all these she doesn’t deserve to enjoy herself with her friends.

Me: "but…I really wanna go with them…I may not get to even see them ever after graduation…I've never left u alone (while u have)…and besides I've never gone to Kish"

Him:"………"

Me: "you don't want me to go, right?"

Him: "please, I want us to go together"

Me:"……….."

I remembered what my teacher said the day before: "women can not have the last word as long as men are around!"

And I remembered what I said: "that's not true; in our house I must always have the last word (otherwise I make a night out of hubby's day)"

Him: "we will go to Kish together, I promise"

Me:"………..."

Narcis

April 17^th  

I'm sorry I haven’t posted for a while. Don’t worry about me. I'm alright; still breathing here. Well, it was because there wasn’t any thing special to tell before. And now that I'm writing this, I just wanna write a quickie about what I got through in the past two days. They were one of those terrible days I have ever experienced.

See, hubby and I have kept a secret for a year. It was very important for both of us to keep others in dark about it (of course excluding our parents). But my dear mother in-law sat and told her sister in-law (her brother's wife) about it,  asking her to promise not to breath it with any one of course. After all who could reveal a secret without asking that ! But this faithful sister in-law of her couldn't hold her tongue and told her two daughters and her two daughters went out and told every one about it. Now my whole in-laws know about it as it seems. So it's no secret to any one now and I'm screwed!

There is this cousin of hubby who is kinda intimated with me. So she came over the other night with her hubby and lovely son, and told me about what happened. I swear I would bomb my head to the wall if they weren’t there. I did my best not to scream or cry in their presence. But I did pretty good job on shouting and crying when they were gone. I'm afraid if I'd woken up my neighbors, because I was screaming and calling names really loudly and poor hubby just couldn’t do any thing about it. I went out of control and broke things too. I had a good mind calling his mom and tell her how stupid she was for trusting such a big-mouthed person (don’t tell hubby about what I called his mom!) but hubby didn’t let me. He promised to talk to her the next day. And he did. And to my great surprise she said she had no idea it was that important for me to keep others in dark about it otherwise she wouldn’t tell it to her.(you see she really deserved to be called stupid)so it was me the past two days: crying and cursing.

You should have seen my eyes, my goodness they were so puffy that I could hardly opened them. Today, mummy talked to me and said they would finally know about it some day and that it's no big deal so I shouldn't bother myself so much about this and so on and so forth. So I'm feeling better now. But still I can't forgive my mother in law and her mean sister in-law.

I know that hubby's mom is never mean; she is just…umm…very simple-minded you know. That's the only thing I hate about her; otherwise she has a very kind heart and is so god-fearing, so she never hurts any one on purpose. So I may forgive her as time goes on. But I can hardly forgive hubby's aunt for what she has done.

Sorry I know it was supposed to be just a quickie.

Narcis

April 8^th